Suddenly

I hate – absolutely HATE – when I know what I want to do, I know what I need to do, I even know HOW to go about doing what I want and need to do, and yet…and yet…I don’t do it.

For example.

I know that I need to eat better. I know that I want to eat better. I know how to go about it. I know what I need to eat – and not eat – to manage my diabetes. I was DOING it. And then, suddenly, I stopped. I can blame the nuts. I can blame the sugar. I can blame the fact that I’m a compulsive overeater. But the fact is, I stopped and “suddenly” the whole eating thing is getting out of control again.

I know that I need to get out of debt. I know that I want to get out of debt. I know how to go about getting out of debt. I was DOING it. And then, suddenly, I stopped. I started buying books on Amazon again. I started whipping my credit card out in stores again. I stopped budgeting. And “suddenly” my spending is out of control again.

Suddenly.

It seems to me that most of the time “suddenly” doesn’t happen all at once. “Suddenly” is something that builds up. “Suddenly” creeps up on you like a ninja in the woods. “Suddenly” hides, then jumps out to attack you. The only thing really sudden is your recognition and acknowledgment of what’s been happening.

Okay, so now I see what I’ve been doing. What’s next?

Well, I’ve slipped, but I haven’t fallen all the way to the bottom – not yet. My blood sugar is higher than it was in May, but not as high as it was in January. Although I’m spending too much money, I’ve still paid off more debt than I’ve added this year. I’m down, but I’m not out – caught by a branch on a ledge instead of at the bottom of the ravine.

I’m starting to climb up the rope again, hand over hand, dangling over the chasm. Counting carbs. Budgeting. And writing to fill in the spaces left as I attempt to surgically remove two of my best-loved crutches.

One step at a time. Then “suddenly” I’ll be in a different place.

Right? Right. 😀