When Did I Lose Control?

As I wandered around the house this weekend, I kept wondering when I’d lost control.

Where did the control go?

When did control run giggling manically into the night?

I was doing so well. And then…I wasn’t. If you are one of the hardy few who read this blog, you may have noticed the downward spiral playing out over the year. Kind of like a slow-motion ballet.

I had three goals this year. Only three. 1) not to eat sugar 2) pay down the debt and 3) write every day.

Upon reflection, I think the first crack in the wall probably happened as early as April with my nut addiction. That’s when the eating started to go. The debt snowball began melting in earnest in May, I believe. The writing lasted longer. That one didn’t start to break up until September.

Then came October. Between a birthday, the storm of the century, thinking my book was finished, trying to start something new, realizing my book wasn’t quite finished as I thought and still needs work, and a variety of drama at work and home, and I found myself caught up in a surge of Sandy proportions, tossed hither and yon upon a violent sea. The eggshell-thin layer of control I had slathered about myself, already cracking, broke into pieces as if I were a hen who doesn’t get enough calcium. Isn’t that the way it always goes?

Suddenly I was eating sugar again. Every time I saw sugar I stuffed it in my mouth. Heath bars. Muffins. Cheese cake. Ice cream.

Suddenly I was spending again. Amazon started to send me love notes. I spent money on gear for the next storm of the century. I decided to reinvent myself after my birthday and thus spent money on clothing and jewelry. Because THAT will help.

Don’t get me started on the books, audiobooks and music downloads.

Suddenly I wasn’t writing. I started to rework on my book and then around the middle of October I just…stopped. I guess I was too busy eating sugar and shopping the Internet. I haven’t even blogged regularly (well, I guess I get a pass on that for the week I didn’t have power).

In other words, I’ve been acting as if I live in an alternate universe. It’s kind of a nice universe where I can eat whatever I want to eat, spend oodles of money, and pull fully finished (and, naturally, brilliant) books out of my…head. I really like that universe. It makes me sad that it’s not real.

Which brings me…here. *looks around* Um, what now?

Regroup.

Again.

Okay. *takes deep breath* *flexes muscles* Here we go.

I have three goals. That’s it. Only three. They are the same three goals I had at the beginning of the year. They are the same three goals I will have next year.

1) Don’t eat sugar.
Well, I didn’t eat sugar today. So, that’s good.

2) Pay down the debt.
Well, I didn’t charge anything today. So that’s good.

3) Write every day.
Well, I’ve been writing every day for the last four days. So that’s good.

Okay, good. Now, everybody SING!

Just what made that little old ant…think…he could move a rubber…tree plant

*sigh*

….everyone knows an ant…can’t…
move a rubber tree plant.

*shifts in chair*

But he’s got
high hopes

*sits straighter*

he’s got
High Hopes

*throws back shoulders*

he’s got
High apple pie in the sky hopes!

Watch out world! Here I come!

[tube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XR14hsxNbm0[/tube]