Author: Betsy Horvath

If you’ve read the last blog post, you know that Betsy was recently wracked with doubt, uncertainty and fear – helped along by the Dark Voice that whispers through her brain.  She did manage to vanquish her foe, but it was a near thing.

Now Harry, Betsy’s Guide on her Quest, and a white rabbit, has asked her to meet with him for some reason.  The last time we saw Harry he was suffering from his own challenges.  Whatever does he want now?  And will he and Betsy feed each other’s insecurities or help to overcome them?

Let’s see…

 

*Betsy enters Harry’s office* *Walks across meadow that has taken the place of the furniture that used to be there* *sits in the grass next to Harry’s burrow* *Picks up a blade of grass and twirls it in her fingers*

Hey, doll. *Harry hops out of burrow and settles beside her* *Leans back on his two paws and crosses his big feet in front of him*

Hi, Harry. *Betsy focuses on the grass* You wanted to see me?

Yeah, I wanded to check in wif you and see how you’re doin’

Wif?

Thupid teef. Thill getting used to fem. Wait. *Harry concentrates* Is this better?

*Betsy stares at him* Why can I hear you inside my head?

Technically we’re always inside your head.

Oh. Good point.

I’m just focusing my new rabbit mojo on you. Cool huh?

Aces. But why did you want to see me?

I wanted to check on you after that intense session you had last blog post with the Dark Voice.

Voices. I’m pretty sure there were more than one.

I think you’re right. Doubt, fear, and insecurity. The big three. *Harry shakes his head* They get me every time.

*Betsy frowns at him* That reminds me. How are you anyway?

*Harry shrugs* Better.

Yeah. Me too.

Good.

*Betsy looks at the blade of grass* *Spins it in her fingers* So, if you don’t mind me asking, where were you when the Dark Voice came? Aren’t you supposed to have my back at times like that? Doing the whole Guiding thing?

*Harry sighs* *Sits upright* Some things you’ve got to go through alone. You’ve got to make your own decisions. It was hard to watch, but it wouldn’t have been good for you if I interfered.

Oh. *Betsy shifts* *Throws away the blade of grass* Do you know why the Voice came back? Everything’s been going so well for the last couple of weeks.

*Harry shakes his rabbit ears* But that’s the way it works, right? It does for me, anyway. You’re trucking right along singing a happy tune, minding your own business, and bam! The doubts and fears and insecurities creep up on you and jump you. If you’re not careful, they can take you down like a pack of hyenas.

*Betsy looks away* That’s what happened.

*Harry moves closer* But then you were able to pull yourself back up.

Because I reminded myself that I have to believe.

You do. *Harry nods* Believing is actually the most important thing. You have to believe. If you don’t, who will?

*Betsy frowns* Well, you will.

Yeah, but who believes in me?

*Betsy’s frown deepens* I do.

And here I am. *Harry beams at her* 

*Betsy shakes her head* You confuse me.

The point is, you have to keep reminding yourself that it doesn’t matter what things look like now.  You ARE a writer. You ARE building the foundation for the future. You ARE doing the behind the scenes work that’s necessary.

*Betsy nods* And I have to believe that it’s possible. That this whole thing is possible. I guess that’s really what I have to have faith in – the possibility.

*Harry thumps a hind foot* Right. If you don’t believe it, if you doubt what you’re doing, if you think you’re stupid for doing it, then you’ll stop, and the Dark Voice will win, and you’ll end up watching television and eating inappropriately.

*Betsy crosses her legs and leans forward* Is that what you’re doing? Are you believing?

*Harry’s quiet for a minute* I’m trying. I’m trying to believe that I can be a good White Rabbit Guide, even when it doesn’t seem like it’s true.

*Betsy thinks* And I’m trying to believe that I can be a good writer, even when it seems like a total lie.

*Harry settles back on haunches* Exactly.

*Betsy frowns* It’s crazy, but I can actually feel a…a switch flip in my head when I start to doubt and second-guess myself. It’s almost like I’m walking through a door.

*Harry points a paw at her* That’s when you have to say, “You CAN do it. You ARE doing it. Nobody else may know you’re doing it, but you know.”

I say that, and I focus on believing again. I have to believe that this enterprise is valid and worthwhile. Then I walk back through the door again.  I keep thinking there’s a path and I’m on it. I might not see it now, but it’s there.

*Harry smacks Betsy on the shoulder* Babe, you and I are walking in the dark with a freaking flashlight. And we are believing that when the sun comes up, we’ll see that we’ve been on a road.

*Betsy nods* That’s right. We can’t see it now, but we will.

But the road…well, it’s your road. Nobody can see it for you. We’re only ever given our own road, you know? Other people may never know it’s there.

*Betsy thinks* So I have to ignore what’s going on around me and focus on believing in the road.

*Harry smacks her again* Absolutely right. *Studies her* So, you’re not gonna run?

*Betsy crosses her arms and scowls* No. I’m going to keep going and try not to doubt.

And when the doubt comes back no matter what you do?

Then I’m going to keep telling myself, “You can do this. You ARE doing this. Push forward in the darkness.”

*Harry nods and leans back* That’s what I’m going to do too. I guess that’s the most anybody can do.

 

To be continued

 

 

 

As we rejoin Betsy’s blog, winds are whispering through Betsy’s brain.  These are the winds of fear.  Of doubt.  Of unbelief.  They are the winds of the Dark Voice, awakened from its slumber.  They blow through the corridors, seep under doors, bang through windows, coat everything they touch with black fog.

Although the Dark Voice never really leaves, it often lies dormant, waiting.  Betsy didn’t realize it was awake again, not right away.  Not until the winds blew her off balance and the whispers started hitting her like bird-shot – little pellets that sting and rip.  Little pellets that can shred her fledgling confidence, if she lets it.

Will she?

Now the black cloud of the Dark Voice surrounds Betsy, jeering in the multitude of whispers that make up its essence.  Twisting, turning, contradicting itself, but always, always whispering.

Let’s see what’s going on.

 

*Betsy wraps her arms around her knees and buries her face, tries not to listen*

Look at you. *the Dark Voice laughs*  You’ll never succeed….you’ve never been able to compete….you’ve always been less-than…

Stop it.

Oh. *it sounds sympathetic now*  I know you’re trying to do the right thing. You’re doing the best you can, which is just sad. Look at where you are. Look at where your books are ranking. Look at what you’ve “accomplished.”  You have, what, three books out? Please. That’s nothing. Pitiful.

At least I’m trying.  *Betsy speaks into her arms*

You’re a failure.

No I’m not.  *But Betsy doesn’t sound very certain*

Sure about that?

I..no…yes.  *Betsy tries to think, but the fog is thick*

You’re wondering if you’re fooling yourself.  You’re wondering if you’re making a fool of yourself.  *the Dark Voice sneers*  Going to quit? After writing all of these heartfelt posts about your plans and goals?  *it laughs*  Run away, little girl, run away.

Stop it.

How many people even know you exist? Run away. Run away.

STOP!

*The winds shift, circle, blow*  Why should I? You know the truth. You talk a good talk, but what are you actually doing? Wasting time.

*Betsy puts her hands over her ears*  Stop, stop, stop.

If you’d kept going after your first book was put out, if you hadn’t flailed around for YEARS maybe you’d have more books now. Screwed that up, didn’t you? 

I’m trying to get myself on a schedule. I’m trying to believe that what I’m doing is valuable.

VALUABLE? Oh, please. Spare me valuable. There are so many other things you could be doing. You could be cleaning the house. Have you looked at it recently? You could be reading other people’s books. You could be working a second job and paying off your debt instead of adding to it.

*Betsy looks up* But then I wouldn’t be writing.

*The Dark Voice blows* So what?

*Betsy straightens*  Writing makes me happy. It makes me feel more like…me.

*Suddenly the winds soften.  Gentle.  Are almost soothing* Okay, so write then. What the heck? Write to your little heart’s content. But why bother to go to the trouble of publishing?  Just write for yourself. That’s what Emily Dickinson did.  That’s what a lot of people do.

*Betsy stands, her back against the wall*  Part of what I love about writing is sharing. I want people to come into my world. I want to share it with them.

*The wind picks up*  No one cares. Your friends put up with you. Other people won’t.

*Betsy takes a step forward* That’s not true.  And I want to share. I want to play. I want to get better at what I’m doing and write better stories and have people love the characters as much as I do.

Doesn’t look like you’re having luck with that so far.

I don’t know.  But even if I’m not, I can’t run away. It’s kind of who I am. I tell stories.

And nobody wants to buy them.

*Betsy clenches her fists*  That’s not true either.  You lie all the time.  I’m just beginning.  And I can’t give up. I have to believe.

Oh, ple—

Believe in myself. *Betsy talks over the wind*  I can’t listen to you telling me I’m a failure because I have to hold on to the belief that this is possible. That I can be a successful independent author.  Maybe it hasn’t happened yet, but it might.  It can. If I believe it, I can achieve it.

*Dark Voice roars with fury*

*Betsy draws in a deep breath and lets it out slowly*  Go away. I’m done listening to you. I’m still figuring things out, but I’m not going to run away.

I’ll be back. You’ll never get rid of me. Never.

I know.

*The wind whips up to a fever pitch, then stills* *Silence descends in Betsy’s brain*

*Betsy sighs*  I know.  You’ll never be gone.  But I guess it’s kind of part of being human.

 

To be continued…

 

 

 

If you’ve been reading Betsy’s Blog, you know that Betsy is on a Quest to become a successful independent author.  And, as is true of all Quests, she has a Guide.  His name is Harry, and he was sent by the Muse Council to help Betsy stay on her path.  Harry has taken up residence in Betsy’s brain, which is fine because there’s a lot of vacancy in there.

However, Harry has had a problem with his situation.  He was a white gerbil.  Not a white stag or a white rabbit, as is traditional for Guides.  He wasn’t even a white bloodhound or white lion!  No, he was a gerbil.  And he was determined to Guide the heck out of Betsy so he could be promoted and change his condition.  He dreamed of no longer being a laughingstock when he attended Guide events.  He wanted to prove that he, too, was worthy.

At Christmas, Harry got his wish.  Betsy had finally gotten off her butt enough for him to be promoted all the way to white hare!  Everyone was so happy!

But…

Harry hasn’t been around much lately, despite the fact that Betsy is trying to get her act together (again).  Where has he been?  What’s been going on?

Let’s see…

 

*Betsy enters her brain, walks to Harry’s office, and opens the door* *She stops* *Blinks*  *Walks inside*

What the heck? When did Harry’s office turn into a meadow?  Where’s the comfy sofa?  The flatscreen television?  The gerbil habitat?  Harry? Are you in here?

Yes. *Harry’s voice is disembodied and a little muffled* *He seems to have a lisp*

*Betsy looks at the thick, green grass and bright blue sky*  *A butterfly lands on a wildflower*  *Still no sign of Harry*  Where are you? Why is this place so different?

I’m in my burrow. *Harry’s voice is disgruntled and the lisp is more pronounced*  I’m a rabbit now. Rabbits live in freaking burrows, don’t they?

Well, yes, but… *Betsy wanders further into Harry’s office* I miss your sofa.

You ain’t the only one.

*Betsy studies a large tree with giant roots* How did all of this fit in here, anyway?  Your office wasn’t this big.

Your brain is expandable.  Besides, there was room next door, so I knocked out a few walls.

Oh.  *Betsy looks around again*  I feel like there ought to be hobbits living here.

Well, there ain’t no hobbits, are there? There are freaking rabbits.

Rabbits?

Me.  I’m a freaking rabbit.

Hmmm. *Betsy settles down on a stone near the tree roots* It sounds like we need to talk.

No we don’t.

Yes, we do, especially since I haven’t seen you for days.

So what?

*Betsy rolls her eyes*  Would you just get out here?

Fine. *tall grass rustles* *Harry hops into view, a beautiful and plump white rabbit* *He hops up to Betsy, then stands on his hind feet* *Puts paws on hips* I’m here. Satisfied?

*Betsy frowns*  Why are you in such a bad mood?

I’m not in a bad mood.

Sorry, but I’m the one listening to you.  You’re in a bad mood. Why?

*Harry looks down and kicks a pebble with one long hind foot* *It catapults into the air and hits Betsy in the forehead*

Ow!

Sorry. Still learning how to control these feet. And the teeth. The teeth really bother me.

Oh. I wondered why you were lisping.

Yeah, I’m tripping all the time, too. Stupid feet. Stupid teeth. And my ears itch. Stupid ears.

Wait. *Betsy holds up a hand* Are you upset because you’re a white rabbit now?

*Harry shifts* Of course not.

You are! You are upset because you’re a white rabbit. *Betsy frowns*  But why? This is something you’ve wanted ever since I’ve met you. You’ve worked hard for this. And now you’ve gotten it!

Yeah, well. *Harry rapidly thumps a foot on the ground* I couldn’t use my sweet little gerbil habitat anymore, so I had to get rid of it.  And I’d just renovated the thing!

I wondered where that had gone.

And then I joined the White Rabbit Quest Guide private Facebook group? And they’re all doing a lot better than I am.

Well, you did just become a White Rabbit a few days ago.

Still! Some of them have only been promoted in the last few months. One had been a white cockroach and even he’s doing better than me.  He’s guiding the heck out of his Questor, and believe me that guy was a real slacker.  Jerry got him up and running, and now he’s promoted and is always posting pictures showing what a good time they’re having on their path.

*Betsy winces* Um, well–

And I tried to introduce myself to the group, and they all either ignored me or said “Oh, the gerbil. Took you long enough.”

You shouldn’t let social media get you down.

*Harry looks away* I’ll never fit in.

*Betsy considers him*  Harry. I don’t understand why you’re so upset.

*Harry hangs his head* I didn’t realize things would change.  Or that my teeth would be dumb.  And I didn’t know I wouldn’t fit in with the other white rabbits.

Yeah, but you can dig a lot better now, right?  And you can still climb if you want to, just in a different way than a gerbil, um, I guess. *Betsy thinks*  The teeth will work themselves out and so will the rabbits.

*Harry scuffs a foot*  I know, but…

*Betsy leans forward*  Do you want to go back to being a gerbil?

*Harry shrugs*  I don’t think I can. Once you take the step, you’re different.  Some things you can’t change.

*Betsy sits back*  So just embrace it then.

*Harry sticks out his bottom bunny lip*  I don’t know if I want to embrace it.

Look. You WANTED this.

*Harry throws up his hands*  But I’m different now! I’m not the same! I’ll never be the same!

I know. I guess it’s hard to change, even if the change is for the better. And sometimes we work for something, and we don’t really think about the fact that it will make us different. But we can’t always stay the same.

Yes we can!

But you’ll grow into your rabbit-hood eventually, right?

*Harry scuffs his feet*  Maybe.  There’s a lot more responsibility.  Maybe I’m not good enough.

*Betsy kneels and looks at him*  I need you. Please don’t leave me and hop away.

*Harry looks away*  You really want me?

I really do.

*Harry thinks*  Okay then. *Straightens his shoulders*  Okay.  It’s different, but I want to do this. I want to be a rabbit. I want to be a better Guide.  I want to take that next step. It’s just…

What?

*Harry shuffles some more*  Maybe I’m a little scared.

*Betsy looks down*  Maybe I am, too.

*Harry put his paws on her face*  Everything’s going to be even more different if we keep going.

I know. *Betsy meets his pink rabbit eyes*  *She bites her lip*  We’re on the path.  Are you game?

*Harry nods slowly*  I think so.  Let’s hop down the trail together.

*Betsy smiles at him*  Okay.

But in the shadows, a whisper stirs in the back of Betsy’s brain.  The Dark Voice has awakened….

Uh oh.

 

To be continued…