Betsy Horvath

Blog

  • Further In

    Let’s face it, most people have found 2020 to be pretty darned stressful in a whole lot of different ways.  As thing, has piled on top of thing, has piled on top of thing, the pressure has mounted for just about everyone.  There is SO MUCH change happening right now, and it seems to be happening all at once. I mean, seriously, can we just have ONE normal week? Just ONE? (The answer to that is probably no, by the way.)

    And now, in addition to everything else, we’re coming into the holiday season, which most of us think is stressful in a good year. Thanksgiving during a pandemic. Yikes!

    Unrelated photo of me taken late last week.

    Yeah, a year like this, one with so much upheaval, can be paralyzing. Even worse, it is distracting. Because, gentle reader, in my humble opinion, our real jobs while we are here living this short, wonderful, beautiful life, is to grow into the best versions of ourselves we can be. And if you are busy dealing with the mounting pressure of the current moment by yelling about it, or running away from it, or ignoring it, or fighting with relatives about social distancing, you don’t always take the time to look inside yourself to see what’s going on in there.

    But, this year, although incredibly difficult in a lot of ways, is also a year of opportunity.  This year is one of the ones where the illusion of what we have told ourselves  is “normal” gets peeled back a bit, and we are given a glimpse of what lies underneath.  This is a chance for us to use the upheaval and, as C.S. Lewis wrote in the Chronicles of Narnia, go “Further up and further in.”  This is our chance to look at ourselves when we’re not lulled into sleep by the comfort of the normal.

    Which, of course, is much easier said than done.

    Still, and this might just be me, I think everyone can benefit from looking at the assumptions they’ve made about themselves every so often. And this year, while we’re re-evaluating everything else we’ve believed was normal anyway, is a good chance do it.

    That’s what I’ve been doing in some areas of my life. Sometimes I have affirmed, or re-affirmed, the assumptions I had made about myself. Sometimes I’ve realized those assumptions either aren’t true or were driven by fear. But the most important thing is, by challenging my beliefs about myself, I’ve been able to strip away some deadwood and start moving forward again.  A little bit. Tottery little baby steps. But moving forward in spite of it all.

    So I invite you all to join me. Yes, everything around us is noisy and chaotic. Yes, everything around us is changing. But that’s only to be expected.  Life is change. Take advantage of the fact that nothing’s normal anyway and really look inside the old melon. Go further up and further in. Hey, what else are you doing? Yelling? Hiding under a blanket? Eating chocolate?

    Okay, you can still eat chocolate.

    Another unrelated photo of me taken earlier this week.

     

     

  • Some Thoughts About Waiting

    Some Thoughts About Waiting

    If nothing else, I think everyone here can agree that 2020 has been one heck of a year so far. It has been so difficult in so many unexpected ways for so many people, and it’s not over yet.  Everywhere I turn, I see people talking about what a horrible year it’s been, and how they can’t wait for it to be over so they can get going with their lives again.

    Hey, I get it. I do. I’ve felt that way, too–especially as I wrestled with some stressful personal challenges on top of all of the world challenges. Can’t this year just be over already?

    But here’s the thing – this big old universe of ours doesn’t give a damn that people think 2020 ends on December 31 and 2021 begins on January 1st. The world doesn’t care about no stinking arbitrary divisions of time. All of the problems we are facing today are not going to magically disappear at midnight on December 31st. They will all probably still be with us, with some new ones added for good measure.

    Sorry.

    In other words, there’s no point in waiting for the year to end before you begin. It’s a waste of time to wait to live your life until there aren’t any more problems, or until things are “settled” again. We can’t wait to live simply because this happens to be a difficult time in our history where things are changing at the speed of light. We can’t postpone living our lives just because everything and everyone is in upheaval.  We just have to find a way to move forward in spite of it all.

    I’m talking to myself here.

    I’ve been thinking about this because I’ve been having a lot of trouble finding my creative mojo these past few months. A LOT of trouble. Shocking, I know. It’s hard to be creative when everything around you is in such a state of flux. I keep telling myself that I’ll finish my book once things have calmed down. I keep postponing other things I want to work on because those goals seem stupid when there are so many problems in the world that are much more important than anything I might produce. I tell myself that the timing is bad. I tell myself to wait.

    I am wrong.

    I might think that I should wait because the sand under my feet is constantly shifting. I might think I should wait until things are stable again. I might say the timing is bad now, that it’s not a good moment for me. I might tell myself that I need to wait until life has gone back to what passes for normal before I move forward.

    I am wrong.

    The truth is, there will never be a problem-free time, in our world or in our lives. This year is particularly stressful for a large number of people, but things are happening all the time, whether we acknowledge them or not. That’s just the way it goes. There is always some kind of upheaval.  The sands are always shifting. We may not notice, but there is always change and movement. That is reality.

    If I look for a reason to wait, I will always be able to find one. And if I always wait, I will never move.

    The fact is, no matter what’s going on in our society, time flows. Time does not stop just because we do. And our time is finite. And our time is precious. And you can never get that time back. You may not want to celebrate your birthday this year, but that doesn’t mean it’s not going to happen anyway.

    The reason I write is because doing it makes me a better person. Yes, I want other people to read what I’ve written, but the main value in it for me is the act of creation itself. It is in the DOING of it.

    That means NOT moving forward diminishes me. So by spending the past six or seven months waiting for the world to settle, waiting for the time to be right, I have made myself smaller. I have boxed myself in. Me living in a constant holding pattern adds nothing to me, and it doesn’t benefit anybody else either. Living in suspended animation only causes atrophy.

    So I’m going to put my head down, turn off the news and social media, and take that step forward without worrying about the timing. I invite you to join me. I know that it’s still 2020, but let’s not wait any more. Let’s just get on out there and go do it. Let’s live our best, most creative, beautiful, wonderful lives today.

     

    PS – Just because this song has been in my head all day, here’s a video of Pentatonix singing their cover of “Can’t Hold Us.”

    PPS – If you don’t know Pentatonix…. What?!? Where have you been? And, just FYI, they’re an a cappella group. Although you’d never know it from listening to them.

    PPPS – They’re so young in this video! Look at the babies!

     

     

     

     

  • Independence – Find Your Own Way

    As you may, or may not, know, I’ve been writing a series of blog posts on five words I’ve identified as sort of sign posts for my life. These words are not goals in and of themselves. Instead they are the building blocks of the house I want to live in.

    Hmmm… Maybe the analogy would work better if I starting talking about building a ship instead of a house.  After all, once a ship is finished, it can be pointed in any direction, set sail to any horizon.

    But I don’t know how ships are built, so I’m going to stick with houses.

    The five words I’m working with are: Energy, Strength, Independence, Simplicity, and Creativity.  I feel like these words should be considered in this particular order because each one builds on the other. But I do have to say that in this past week, Creativity has gotten crafty (hah!) and switched places, so now it’s at the end (there’s a reason for this, which I’ll get to in a future blog post. Anticipation!)

    Regardless, it doesn’t matter for this week anyway because today we are going to be talking about independence.

    If energy is the foundation, and strength is the floor, I consider independence to be the framework of the house we are building. That’s because if you, like me, want to live life creatively and well, if you want to live life true to yourself, and do not want to necessarily conform to all the accepted norms society lays down for us, then the bones of your house must come from independence.  A strong sense of independence is the studs and siding and insulation and structure of your building. Or ship. Or whatever.

    What is independence? I think, in a lot of ways, it’s simply being stubborn.  Not arrogant. Still accepting the fact that you need to learn from other people. Still loving other people. Still working with your partner and/or the other people in your life, cooperating with them to get things done. But holding on to the person you are, no matter what you’re being told.

    Let’s face it, there are a lot of people in this world who want to tell you what to do. Entire industries have grown up around trying to convince you who you should be. Heck, our whole culture seems to be built on that idea these days. Look at Facebook and Twitter. Look at television and commercials. There are just so many people who want to tell you how to live.

    But just because they say it doesn’t make it true for you. And sometimes you have to be stubborn, and the framework of your house has to be strong, and you have to find a different way, especially when your path is not something that’s easily understood.

    What makes independence tricky, of course, is that at the beginning, whatever your beginning may be, you might need the advice. You might need people to tell you what to do. You might need them to lead the way. You might need to follow them. You have to listen and you have to learn because you probably don’t know enough right out of the gate.

    But at some point, you do learn, and you do know enough. That’s when you have to make sure that you are truly living out of your own center, and not just following someone for the sake of following them or because it’s easier or because you think it’s what you should be doing.

    For example, in the independent author community, there are tons of people who are more than happy to tell you what you should do to be successful.  Most of these people are wonderful and well-meaning. A lot of their advice can be incredibly valuable, especially when you’re just starting out.

    But sooner or later you–and I’m talking to myself here–have to decide whether or not the path they’re laying down is the right one for you.  Maybe it is, but maybe it’s not. Things that they’re telling you may have worked for them, but they may not be what you need to do.  It might be that you need to veer off and go your own way alone instead.

    It might be scary to be alone.

    That’s when you have to lean on independence and be stubborn and be strong and have energy. That’s when you have to remember that just because something has worked for a hundred people doesn’t mean it’s what you should do.

    Yes, you might find out you’re wrong. Yes, you might fail. But that’s okay, too. Because you will have failed sailing full steam ahead under your own power.

    So, I don’t know. But it seems like ultimately the only thing that will work for you–or, should I say, me–as a creative person is living your own life, following your own path, thinking your own thoughts, loving your own loves, being yourself, and evaluating what you come across through your own independent, stubborn, framework.

    Do not go where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

    Ralph Waldo Emerson

     

     

     

  • Dreams About Dreams

    Dreams About Dreams

    I used to have a recurring dream about birds.  Not a, “tra la la, I’m dreaming that I’m skipping through the woods and look at all of the happy birds,” kind of dream.  This dream was not a happy one.

    First, some background.  I used to own pet birds–specifically zebra finches and peach-faced lovebirds. Nobody loved the lovebirds but me.  They tended to be loud and obnoxious and their screech could resonate through the house and reach down deep into the pit of your soul. It could get very annoying. The zebra finches tended to be cheerful and weren’t nearly as bad.

    Pet birds are a commitment.  With care, they can live a while. I could be wrong, but I think my lovebird that lived longest, Daisy, was about 15 when she died and the zebra finches all lived to be at least 10 (with two notable exceptions). Daisy was a bit of a spaz, and once I started sharing my life with cats as well as birds, she got even more high-strung.

    To be clear, Daisy died of natural causes, not at the paws of the cats. Two of the zebra finches weren’t quite as lucky.

    Anyway, all of that to say, I used to have pet birds.

    And for years I would have a recurring dream about birds.

    In my dream, I would come across a huge cage of lovebirds and zebra finches in some dark and forgotten part of the house.  Most often I would stumble across the cage in the dark, dank basement of my childhood home.  Sometimes I’d find the cage in a closet, or even in a locked room. But the cage was always tucked away, neglected, forgotten, and full of lovebirds and zebra finches.

    In the dream, I would be horrified to find the cage, to see how many birds were in it.  Dozens and dozens of birds, all crammed in the cage together.  The cage would be filthy, and I would wonder how the poor birds managed to survive, because they never had any food or water.  I would be aware that they were my birds and I had somehow forgotten that they even existed.  I had neglected them and left them alone for a very long time.

    Of course, in the dream I would give the birds food and water. As they fell on the seed and water cups, I would clean the cage.  I would promise them that I would never forget them again.  But I would always leave them in the basement or the locked room or the closet or wherever I had found them.

    Although I had that dream many times over the years, it took a while before it occurred to me that it might mean something. Eventually I realized that the birds in my dream represented… me.  My hopes. My dreams.  And I was locking them up in a filthy cage, putting them in the basement, and neglecting them.  I might make an effort to feed them occasionally, when I remembered them, but for the most part I gave other outside forces priority.

    And yet, as in the dream, once I realized what might be going on, I didn’t change a whole lot.  I left the birds in their cage in the basement and told myself I’d remember to feed them more often. I didn’t feel like I had much of a choice but to keep going on as I was. Maybe I didn’t have a choice.  Maybe I did.

    Then my life changed rather abruptly, the way life often does, and it became something else. And I no longer had the dream.

    Until last Thursday.

    Oh, it was a little different.  There was only one bird, and it was a parakeet this time.  It wasn’t in a cage, but instead flew to me. It was lost and looking for help.

    I put it in a shoebox. Not to hurt it, but because I wanted to keep it safe.  I didn’t forget about the bird this time, but once I was in a safe place and let it out of its box, I realized I had forgotten to give it food and water.  I realized that the bird had been free, and I had trapped it because I was afraid and wanted it to be safe.

    So.  What does it mean?  I have my suspicions, although I have to work it out more fully. I think my subconscious is trying to send me a message that I’m getting a little bit off track. After another tussle with depression, I’m finally getting myself back together again, I’m finally writing again, finding my feet again, but it seems like something might still be out of step.

    I think this dream might be my warning that I’m in danger of putting myself in a box again, trapping my dreams in a cage.  I think I need to look at my priorities and my actions and figure out what’s going on.

    And, unlike when I had the dreams before, this time I need to make whatever changes are necessary. This time, I want the birds to fly free.

    “Hope” is the thing with feathers (314)
    by Emily Dickinson

    “Hope” is the thing with feathers –
    That perches in the soul –
    And sings the tune without the words –
    And never stops – at all –

     

    And sweetest – in the Gale – is heard –
    And sore must be the storm –
    That could abash the little Bird
    That kept so many warm –

     

    I’ve heard it in the chillest land –
    And on the strangest Sea –
    Yet – never – in Extremity,
    It asked a crumb – of me.

     

  • Strength – Say Yes to Life

    Strength – Say Yes to Life

    As you may know if you’ve read the blog recently, I’ve come up with five words to use to help give my life some direction.  These words are not goals in themselves, but they are guidelines I can use to help me make decisions and set priorities.  They are identification markers for what I think is important to me.

    In the first post about this, I noted that those five words were:  Energy, Strength, Independence, Creativity, and Simplicity.

    That is the order in which I think of them, too.  Each word builds on the last.  In my last post, I chatted a little bit about Energy, how I consider it to be the foundation of the house, so to speak. To me the building blocks of that foundation are: proper food, drinking enough water, movement, and getting enough sleep.

    So, first a check in on how I’m doing on the whole energy front.  The answer is a resounding… Meh.  I’ve been eating okay (mostly because I have lab work coming up so I have to eat okay to try to keep my numbers in check). I’ve also been drinking water, and moving around. Still,  my energy level has been much lower than it needs to be.

    Some of that’s because my blood sugar is still too high.  But mostly it’s because I am not sleeping nearly enough.  I seem to routinely be getting 5-6 hours of sleep a night instead of the 8 or more hours I need. So it’s becoming crystal clear to me just how important it is to get enough sleep if you think you’re going to accomplish anything whatsoever with your day.  Yes, there are other issues at play, but sleep is the biggee.  I definitely need to do better.

    But that’s a problem for another blog.  Today I’m going to chat about the second of the five words – Strength.

    When  I think about strength, I think of it as the floor of the house balanced on the foundation of Energy.

    Strength can mean many things, of course, but in my mind, it is not just physical.  Of course there is a physical component.  I would like to build my physical strength to accomplish some dreams and goals that I have.  And I have to build up my physical strength just to be able to sit or stand at a computer for long periods of time.

    But for the most part, I think of strength as more of a mental thing.  Or maybe emotional.  I think of it as perseverance.  Stick-to-it-iveness. Not taking “no” for an answer.  Not confidence, but the strength of will to keep going even if you are crippled by doubt and fear.  Stubbornness, if you will.

    Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.

    Mahatma Gandhi

    Movement is not just physical, and neither is strength. It’s pushing through the blocks that try to keep you in place.  Using the energy from good food, good sleep, enough water, and the momentum of the movement, and kicking it up a notch. Not letting the barriers of fear and doubt stop you. Trust me, you can’t do that when you’re sleep-deprived.

    Determination. Focus.  That’s what I think about when I think of about strength. I guess in a way, it’s courage. The courage to keep going and not turn back.

    All our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them.

    Walt Disney

    And that’s where I’m facing my challenges, especially considering this time in the world, and in my life.  I find that I am being asked to re-commit to decisions I thought I had already made many times before. I’m being asked to push through doors and knock down walls my own doubts and fears are erecting.

    Basically, I think it is really easy to say “no” to life.  It’s really easy to be afraid and get boxed in, especially when the world is in turmoil. Strength is being able to say “yes” to life. Strength is being brave enough to embrace it, say yes, and jump.  And that willingness to say “yes” is the floor upon which we stand.

    Life doesn’t get easier or more forgiving, we get stronger and more resilient.

    Steve Maraboli

    Then how do you build strength? How do you say “yes?”

    I suppose the simple answer to that is, you just do it. You just keep moving forward. No matter how slowly or haltingly, you push through. When you’re faced with fears and doubts, you keep saying “yes” to your life and jumping. You continue to persevere. You keep moving in spite of it all.  To put it bluntly, you are goddamn stubborn and refuse to give up or lay down until you’ve given it all you’ve got.

    So my action items so far are – proper food, enough sleep, enough water, move the body, stubborn perseverance.

    Next up is Independence – the framework of the house.

    For what it’s worth: It’s never too late to be whoever you want to be. I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you find you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start over again.

    F. Scott Fitzgerald

     

     

  • Energy – Build a Strong Foundation

    Energy – Build a Strong Foundation

    As I mentioned in my blog post two weeks ago, I’ve been reflecting lately on the puzzle pieces of my life and how to put those pieces together to make the best picture for myself. It’s hard, because to know how the pieces fit together, you have to know how to assign priorities. You have to know what things actually are important, as opposed to the things you only think are important.

    I settled on five words to use to help me find a way to figure that stuff out. To be clear, these words are not goals in themselves. They are watchwords to help me put the pieces together. They are a way to help me build the house I want to live in. The edge of my puzzle, if you will.

    Anyway, the five words I’ve selected are:  Energy, Strength, Independence, Creativity, and Simplicity.

    So today we’ll chat a little bit about Energy, which is the first word, and the foundation for all the others.

    For a long time, I assumed that Creativity should be the foundation.  After all, living a creative life, and living life creatively is, I think, my overall objective.

    But during this time of quarantine and COVID and fear and isolation and dealing with other stressful happenings that were not related to the pandemic, I began to understand that having physical, mental, and emotional energy has to be the first step.  That I have to have energy before anything else will work in my life.  It can not be an afterthought, or a “nice to have.” It is the basic building block.  After all, you can’t take a step forward if you don’t have the energy to do it.

    It occurred to me that in my life, there are four key components to having energy – sleeping the appropriate amount, eating the appropriate foods, drinking enough water, and movement. And it also occurred to me that I’m not always that great at any of them, which might be a reason why feeling energetic can be a problem for me. Hmmmm… 

    If energy is the foundation of the house, then sleep is the foundation of the foundation.  Getting an appropriate amount of sleep every night is the first course of cinderblocks upon which everything else rests (pun – hah!).

    I suck at getting enough sleep every night.  I always have. Or at least I suck at getting enough sleep for my body.  I am constantly sleep-deprived.  I know people who are perfectly happy with five hours of sleep a night, but that’s not me. If I routinely get five hours of sleep, I feel like the walking dead.  I really need about eight or nine hours of sleep a night. but usually I only get six or seven.

    When I tried to figure out why this happens,  I realized it was because I don’t prioritize getting to bed early enough.  That’s okay now and then, and I can deal with it if everything else in my life is going okay.  But during stressful times, sleep has to be a priority if I want to be able to live my life to the fullest extent I can.

    Okay, sleep is important.  Check. The next rung up on the energy ladder is food.  Specifically, eating the food your body needs to feel its best.

    For me, this is complicated because a) I personally am a stress-eater, and b) when I don’t get enough sleep, my body drives me to eat sugary foods to try to produce the energy I need to handle the stress as well as the day-to-day tasks. And, as I’ve already said, c) I suck at getting enough sleep.

    Now, isn’t that special.

    After the initial high, sugary foods can sap anyone’s energy, but when you factor in the fact that I am diabetic, the sugary foods I’m driven to eat are basically poison.  The sugars strip me of the energy I’m trying to have, prompting me to eat even more sugar to compensate.  Which goes about as well as you might expect. But if I can keep my eating on a good path, my blood sugar moderates and I automatically have more energy.

    Just as a side note, I have experimented extensively over the past few weeks, and I can say with certainty that sugary foods eaten during a pandemic have the exact same effect as sugary foods eaten when we’re not in a pandemic.  FYI.

    Okay, great.  So, first priority – sleep.  Second priority – eat appropriately.  Next is drink enough water.

    Sometimes when I think I need sugary foods to have more energy, what I really need is a glass of water. I love me some coffee, but I can get dehydrated without realizing it. Then I am driven to look for the sugars because dehydration saps my energy. And another vicious circle is born.

    All right. So, sleep.  Got it.  Eat appropriately. Yup. Drink enough.  Fine. Then we come to the final course of cinderblocks making up my energy foundation – movement.

    One thing that has become very apparent to me during the last few months is the importance of movement.  Nothing special, just movement in general.  Getting up and moving around instead of sitting like a slug in your recliner.  Movement sparks energy, and energy begets energy.  More on movement in the strength portion of the proceedings.

    But that’s enough for today. That’s the foundation I’m striving for.  Appropriate sleep.  Appropriate food. Enough water. Movement. Those four things are the cornerstones supporting the house, so they have to be the first things I make time to do. Everything else–any other goals I might have–depends on them.

    Next, the floor of the house – strength.