Betsy Horvath

Category: Conversations with the Muse

  • Finding The Blogosphere Part 2

     

     

    When last we left our intrepid band of adventurers, they were getting ready to enter the Emerald City in search of the Great and Powerful Blogosphere…

     

    Betsy:             Wow. Everyone in this city is…green.

    Coffee:            It ain’t easy.

    Muse:              And they’re all singing. I want to sing too!

    Betsy:             No. We have to find the Great and Powerful Blogosphere.

    Coffee:            Maybe we should follow the sign that says “This Way to the Great and Powerful Blogosphere.”

    Betsy:             Shut up.

    *all three creep through city, following signs* *enter a room* *stop short at sight of giant monster*

    Monster:        What do you waaaaannnnnttttt!!!

    Muse:              I want to know who does your makeup! You are like totally goth!

    Betsy:             Muse, please. Monster, we’re looking for the Great and Powerful Blogosphere.

    Monster:        Blooogggooooosphere? I have no idea what you’re talking about.

    Coffee:            Hey, there’s something behind this curtain.

    Monster:        Pay no attention to the machinations behind the curtain.

    Betsy:             *darts forward* *pulls down curtain* Blogosphere! It IS you.

    Blogosphere: *sigh* Yeah. 

    Betsy:             Well why in the hell have you been avoiding me? Why have you turned your back on me?

    Blogosphere: You turned your back on me first.

    Coffee:             Told you.

    Betsy:             I have not turned my back on you. When did I turn my back on you?

    Blogosphere: Hey, you don’t have time for me? I don’t have time for you either.
    Outta sight, outta mind.

    Betsy:             But I had to get my book finished. I had to move on with my life. YOU told me to do that!

    Blogosphere: Well, I didn’t mean you should ignore me. You think I care about your life? If you’re not interacting with me, you do not exist.

    Muse:              Now that’s not fair, Bloggie, honey. She was spending some quality time with me. BFF, you know?

    Blogosphere: *shrug*

    Betsy:             *stares, disillusioned* I get it now. You…you’re all tricks and magic but…but there’s nothing of substance to you. *eyes fill with tears* *lip quivers* I just want to write a good blog. But if I’m not following you around like a sheep you don’t want to have anything to do with me. *sob*

    Muse:              *puts hand on Betsy’s shoulder* Hey, I’m a freaking goddess, I don’t care what Bloggie says, I’m telling you that you have the creativity.

    Coffee:             *dribbles on Betsy’s foot” And I’m a freaking beverage. I’m telling you that you have the caffeine.

    Betsy:              *turns to hug Muse and Coffee* Thanks, guys. I’m just going to go on write the best darn blog I can. And piffle on the Blogosphere anyway!

    Coffee:             Piffle?

    Blogosphere: *heavy sigh* Oh, all right. I’ll come visit you again – I promise. Now get out of here. Put on these ruby slippers and click them together three times while saying “there’s no place like my homepage”.

    Betsy:             The ruby slippers are diabetic sneakers?

    Blogosphere: Go. I have some more smoke and mirrors to take care of before the next celebrity scandal hits.

    Betsy:             *looks at Muse and Coffee* Ready?

    *Muse and Coffee nod*

    Betsy:             *takes deep breath* There’s no place like my homepage. *click* There’s no place like my homepage. *click* There’s no place like my homepage. *click*

    whirl whirl whirl whirl

    Muse:              Hey, I think we’re back.

    Betsy:             We are! But is the Blogosphere here too?

    Blogosphere: Yo.

    Betsy:             Yay! Now I can post with gay abandon!

    Blogosphere: Great. Please put on something about cats.

    Betsy:             Okay!

    Blogosphere: I was being sarcastic.

    Betsy:             Oh.

    Coffee:            I’m outta here. My beans and I need some alone time.

    Muse:             I need a nap.

    Betsy:            I’m so glad things are back to normal!

     

  • Finding The Blogosphere

    Betsy:   Blogosphere?

    *silence*

    Betsy:   Hello? Blogosphere? Are you there?

    *crickets*

    Betsy:   Darn it all, Blogosphere! I’m talking to you!

    *more silence*

    Muse:   I think we maybe pissed him off.

    Betsy:   We? Who’s we? I would have been talking to him 24/7 but you’ve been running me ragged.

    Muse:   Damn straight! Drop and give me twenty!

    Betsy:   Geeze! Not again. *falls to floor* *begins push-ups*

    Muse:   MWHAHAHA! Power is mine!

    Coffee:   Hey, I have some power too.

    Muse:   Of course you do, babycakes. *smooch* *slurp*

    Betsy:   Oh, for heaven’s sake. Can’t you two keep your hands off each other?

    Muse:    You know what they say.

    Coffee:   Everything’s better with caffeine.

    Betsy:   Man. *stands up* *breaths heavily for a moment* Okay, where do you think the Blogosphere has gone?

    Muse:    I think he’s the same place he’s always been, he’s just snubbing you.

    Coffee:   Yeah. He’s got important stuff to think about, like Kate’s boobs and Snooki’s baby. Besides, what do you expect? You’ve been ignoring him.

    Betsy:   I haven’t been ignoring him! Do you even WANT to know how much time I’ve spent watching the Kitten Cam? Have you seen how many hours I’ve wasted on YouTube? Ignoring him, my left pinkie.

    Muse:   You’ve been turning off the internet connection regularly.

    Betsy:   When I’m writing! When I’m trying to move forward with my life’s work! Then, yeah, I turn off the internet connection. And do you know why? It’s because the Blogosphere is too damned fascinating. When he’s available, I want nothing else. I crave him, as one craves chocolate, both sweet and bitter…

    Coffee:   What the hell are you talking about?

    Betsy:   Sorry. But my point is, it’s not that I love the Blogosphere less, it’s because I love him all the more that I must turn away. We’re just… we’re just not always good for each other…

    Coffee:   Uh huh.

    Betsy:   O Coffee, where oh where has my Blogosphere gone? Where are my hits? Where are my follows? Why do people no longer know my name? Why am I a stranger in a strange land?

    Coffee:   *shrugs* Because nobody gives a sh—

    Betsy:   Coffee!

    Coffee:   –darn.

    Betsy:   *sob*

    Muse:   Don’t be sad, Betsy. I think I know where the Blogosphere is.

    Betsy:   *sniffles* You do?

    Muse:   Yes! *beams* We must follow this road—

    Betsy:   This road? Why, I never noticed it before! And it appears to be made of…yellow bricks?

    Muse:   Yes! And we must head through this field of poppies.

    Coffee: Whoa, man. Look at all the pretty butterflies…

    Muse:   To that green city over there!

    Betsy:   Do you mean that Emerald City, Muse? *wide eyed surprise*

    Muse:   Yes! It used to be owned by Tom Cruise!

    Betsy:   And we’ll find the Blogosphere there?

    Muse:   Yes! He’s hiding behind a curtain creating illusions for those who seek him.

    Betsy:   Then let’s go! And we’ll find my hits, my follows, my name.

    Muse:   Sure.

    Betsy:   *starts skipping down the road* We’re off to see the Blogosphere! The wonderful Blogosphere of the Internet…

    Coffee:   I’d better go. She’s not going to be able to skip long without me.

    Muse:   *sigh*

     

  • Muse In The Morning

     

     

    For your entertainment, I would like to share a typical morning conversation between me, my Muse and Coffee.

     

     

    Betsy: *drags self out of bed and over to computer* Hi.

    Muse. Hey.

    Betsy: *yawn*

    Muse: Is that Coffee?

    Betsy: Yeah.

    Coffee: Hi.

    Betsy and Muse: Hi.

    Coffee: Wanna drink?

    Betsy: More than life.

    Muse: Don’t make the “you consume me” joke again.

    Coffee: ‘K. *pours*

    Betsy and Muse: *sip, sip, sip*

    Muse: Okay, we ready to do this?

    Betsy: I guess. *brings up Word document*

    Muse: *murmur, murmur* *drinks more coffee*

    Betsy: *type, type* *drinks more coffee*

    Coffee: Oh, yeah. We’re moving now. Caffiene, baby!

    Muse: *talk, talk, talk, talk, talk* *drinks more coffee*

    Betsy: *type, type, typity type* This is great! Where’s this coming from? *drinks more coffee*

    Muse: Hello! I’m a freaking goddess! *SHOUT SHOUT SHOUT*

    Betsy: *clatter, clatter* Wait! Wait! I’m missing it!

    Muse: I DON’T CARE! *SHOUT SHOUT*

    Coffee: MORE! DRINK MORE! BWHAHAHAHAHA!

    Betsy: AHHHHHH! I have to stop! I’m going to be late for work!

    Muse: No! *SCREAM SCREAM*

    Coffee: Drink, my minions! DRIIIINNNNNKKKKK!

    Betsy: No! No, please! I have to stop!

    Muse: I WILL NOT LET YOU!

    Betsy: I have to…have to….have to….*reaches out with shaky hand* *powers down computer*

    Muse: *scoffs* Oh, and you think that’s going to stop me? I’ll just keep talking in your head the whole way to work when you’re driving and can’t do anything about it. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

    Coffee: And I’ll zip through your bloodstream for hours and then let you drop right when you need me the most! MWHAHAHAHA!

    Betsy: no….no…. *whimper* *drags self off to get dressed*

    Muse: *heavy sigh of satisfaction* *stretches* Man, I need a cigarette. So, same time tomorrow, right?

    Coffee: You bet, babe. Hey, why don’t we call the Blogosphere and then torment her with shame because she’s surfing the net?

    Muse: *wink* I like the way you think.

    Betsy: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!

     

    And then I go to work.

     

     

  • The Muse Gives Birth

    *pant pant pant* OWWWWW! *pant pant pant*

    Muse! Muse! *Betsy runs into the post* I have your ice chips. *offers cup*

    Take your ice chips and put ’em where the sun don’t shine! *pant pant pant*

    I’m sorry, I’m sorry. The contractions are getting closer, aren’t they?

    What the hell do you think?

    Okay. *Betsy scuttles around like a crab* I need…I need to get my laptop set up.

    You’d better get your laptop set up, because this ending scene is coming, and it’s coming fast. OWWWWWW!!

    Thank goodness. I’ve tried three times to write this scene. Three times, Muse!

    Well, I needed to gestate, didn’t I? God, I feel like I’ve been pregnant for freaking ever.

    That’s your own fault. I’ve been ready to write it for months.

    Oh, SHUT UP. *pant pant pant* I feel like…I think I need to push! I think this is it!

    Heck! Man! Crap! Here I am. I’m ready. Just breathe through it and push it out!

    YOU BREATHE YOURSELF! AHHHHHHH!!!! andthenhannahtellsdeaconthatshetrustshimandrespectshimandloveshimtooand…

    Wait! I can’t type that fast! Wait for me.

    I can’t wait. It’s coming…it’s coming….AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! ANDTHENDEACONTELLSHANNAHTHATHELOVESHERANDRESPECTSHERANDFORGIVESHER….

    *silence*

    Muse? Muse are you there? Muse are you okay?

    *gasp gasp* Yeah. Wow. MAN that hurt. I think I was pregnant with that ending so long it’s ready to go to college now.

    *pants* We’re okay. It’s all okay. I got the whole thing typed up and saved it three times. It’s safe. Safe…

    *waaaaa waaaaaa*

    Oh, Muse. Look what you’ve done. You’ve just given birth to a second draft. *coo*

    Awwww…isn’t it pretty?

    Yes, yes. *Betsy sobs softly into tissue* Oh, Muse, I’m so happy.

    Only one more draft and maybe a polish.

    And then it will be ready to go out into the world.

    After you write the synopsis.

    *pause*

    NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

     

  • The Muse Bulks Up

    *drip*
    *drip*

    *creeeeeeeaaaaaak*

     

    Wow, it’s really dark and empty in here. *Betsy looks around her brain*

     

    *scitter, scatter*

     

    *jumps* What’s that?!?!?! Oh!  Oh, it’s the video game I just finished. Whew. *Betsy walks a little further into her brain* *footsteps echo* Boy. This is kind of creepy. I should probably go read something.

     

    *clang* *huff* *clang*

     

    Hey, that sounds like…excercise equipment? *Betsy walks forward* *Peers cautiously around some serotonin* What the… Muse? Muse, is that you?

     

    *clang* *huff* *clang*   Yo.   *clang*

     

    Muse, are you…lifting weights?

     

    What da hell da ya think I’m doin’?

     

    Um…Huh?

     

    *clang* *Muse lifts barbell and racks the weights* *sits up* *straddles bench* *wipes face with towel* I said, what da hell da ya think I’m doin’? ‘Course I’m liftin’.

     

    Why are you talking like that, Muse?

     

    Like how?

     

    You’re dropping all of your ‘ng’s and ‘t’s. You sound like a boxer.

     

    Sorry. It’s the way we bulked up people talk.

     

    Right. *studies Muse* You do have a lot of muscles. And you kind of…ripple.

     

    Yeah, I do, don’t I? *Muse flexes biceps* Plus, I can crush walnuts with my thighs.

     

    O-kay. Mind if I ask why you’re doin’…uh….doing all of this?

     

    You know what they say – you’ve got to excercise your writing muscles the same way you excercise your physical muscles. You’ve actually been writing lately. So I’ve been getting the chance to do some heavy lifting.

     

    That’s good, I guess. Um, Muse, your voice is really deep.

     

    Yeah.

     

    And are you growing…is that…chest hair?

     

    *Muse stands slowly* *approaches Betsy* *fists hands at sides* You wanna make something of it, beeyotch?

     

    No! No, ma’am. I was just making an observation. *Betsy holds up hands and backs away* But you’re not, you know, taking anything illegal are you?

     

    *Muse flexes again and grunts loudly* Nah. This is what happens when you excercise your Muse regularly.

     

    She turns into a…guy?

     

    No, dumbass! Why would you need a guy for a Muse? When you excercise your Muse she gets strong. *Muse holds pose* biceps bounce* Oh, yeah. I can kick me some writing butt.

     

    Excellent. If a trifle disturbing.

     

    And a good idea, right? Especially now that you’ve called yourself a business for tax purposes. So get the hell out of your brain and and let me do something productive. *Muse turns and walks back over to the weight bench* *studies barbell* I think I need to add another ten pounds.

     

    Okay. Um, Muse, why are all of these mirrors hanging around?

     

    What’s the point of working out if you can’t see yourself doing it?

     

    I don’t watch myself write.

     

    What do you call this blog?

     

    Oh. Good point.

     

    *Betsy leaves her brain*

     

  • A Betsy’s Blog Christmas Party


    “Christ-mas is coming! The goose is getting FAAATTTT–“

    Blogosphere?

    “Please to put a penny in the old man’s HAAAAATTTTTT–“

    Blogosphere!

    “If you have no penny, a ha’ penny will DOOOOOOOOOO….”

    Blogosphere! Shut up for a minute!

    What? Oh, hey. How’s it going?

    What are you doing up on that ladder?

    What does it look like I’m doing? I’m decoratin’

    You’re decoratin’, uh, I mean, you’re decorating? Again?

    Yeah. For the party.

    Party?

    Yeah. Party. Must you repeat everything I say?

    *crosses arms* No, but the other things I want to do to you can’t be done in a blog post.

    Huh. That sounds like a quote from your book.

    Never mind. *waves hand* When did we decide to have a party?

    WE didn’t. Your Muse and I decided when we were out to dinner last night.

    Out to….Blogosphere, are you DATING my MUSE?

    Hey! She’s a lot of fun when she’s not all tied down to you.

    But–

    Blogosphere? Honey are you here? *Muse enters the post* *sees Betsy* *stops* Oh. Hello.

    Hello, Muse. Something you forgot to tell me?

    Like what?

    Like that you were having a PARTY in my blog maybe?

    Oh, that. *Muse waves it away* It’s the Christmas season. The Blogosphere and I wanted to have a little fun. I thought you were talking about the other thing.

    You want to–what other thing?

    Never mind.

    Hey, babe, did you see the decorations? Whaddya think?

    *Muse looks around* Oh, Pookie! They’re just beautiful! You did such a good job!

    Pookie?

    What color ribbon is that anyway?

    Puce. I had it left over from the Release Day party.

    Ohhhhh. Pretty.

    Can we just talk here for a moment–

    Look who I found outside wandering around!

    I don’t– Coffee?  Coffee, is that you?

    Ah, Betsy. **Coffee takes Betsy’s hand and kisses the palm** It is so good to see you, ma cherie.  I had to be here.  You consume me.

    Oh, Coffee…you’re talking with such a sexy accent…

    I am ze French Roast.

    Of course.

    Let’s all sing!

    Okay.

    “If you have no ha’ penny, then God Bless You!
    God Bless You, Gentlemen, God Bless You!
    And if you have no ha’ penny, then God Bless You!”

    What the hell is a “ha’ penny” anyway?

    Oh, Blogosphere. Go look it up in yourself.

    *everyone laughs* *eggnog is spiked and poured* *Coffee brews*

    And the party continued long into the night. But it was okay. Coffee was there to wake Betsy up in the morning.  *wink, wink*