Betsy Horvath

Category: The Quest

  • The Quest Begins

    harryOur story thus far….

    Mavis, Betsy’s inner Mary-Poppins-like career consultant sent by the International Muse Council, has determined that Betsy will be too much work. However, before she flies off into the sunset, she provides Betsy with another Guide – a white gerbil named Harry. Yes, whereas in mythology most seekers setting out on life-altering quests are led by a white stag or a white rabbit, Betsy got an albino gerbil.

    Harry has been settling into Betsy’s brain for three days now, and he’s just called a meeting. Let the quest begin!

    *Betsy enters her brain* Harry? Where are you?

    *Harry scampers in from behind the frontal lobe*  Hey, doll.  Glad you could make it.

    *Betsy gestures*  What is all this?

    All what?

    All the new furniture.  That sofa wasn’t here before.  Is that a flat-screen TV?  And a huge gerbil habitat with towers? What the hell?

    Hey, I might as well be comfortable, right?

    How did you even buy it all?  And get it in here?  Most importantly, how did you pay for it?

    Obsessia helped me.  *Harry runs up a tower and emerges to stand on a platform at the top.*  

    Obsessia?  Who the heck is Obsessia?

    I don’t know, she lives in here somewhere. *waves paw vaguely*  Nice broad, but seems a little intense, if you ask me.

    Oh. You must mean the Muse.  But her name isn’t Obsessia.

    Nah, your Muse is pissed at me so we haven’t really spoken.  Anyway, forget all that.  Just park it on the sofa, why doncha.  Take a load off and we’ll talk, huh?

    *Betsy perches on sofa, a little weirded out by the fact her brain appears to be occupied by strangers*  I’m going to have to find out who this “Obsessia” is.  She’s living in my brain, after all.

    Yeah, whatever.  *Harry pulls a tiny tablet computer from a hidden pouch*

    *Betsy stares, distracted*  Is that…do you have an iPad?

    It’s a knock off special for Quest Guides.  Called the “Q-Pad”.  It’s got a ton of custom apps and is designed for those of us without opposable thumbs, if you know what I mean. *Harry taps a few things on the tablet with one tiny paw*  *Looks up at Betsy*  Okay, so let’s nail down this whole quest thing.

    *Betsy settles back on the sofa, ready to change the subject*  I’m anxious to get started.

    *Harry taps some more*  Okay.  What kind of quest are you starting out on?

    *Betsy stares at him*  Don’t you know?

    I know that you want to be an author, but what’s the QUEST?

    I have no idea what you’re talking about.

    Oh, come on! *Harry looks exasperated* What do you want out of this gig?  Fame?  Fortune?  Yeah, everybody wants fortune, right?

    Well, I want to tell stories.  I like telling stories.

    Uh huh.  *Harry taps*  And…?

    I want to enjoy myself.

    *Harry waits, then glares up at Betsy when she doesn’t say anything else*  Is that it?

    *Betsy shrugs*  Pretty much.

    *Harry tosses the computer tablet aside and rises to stand on his hind legs* *Frowns as only a gerbil can*  What kind of a quest is that?

    Sorry.

    Okay, okay.  *Harry drops to all fours again and begins to pace back and forth on top of the tower*  I’m here to Guide you and I’m going to freaking Guide you.

    That would be nice.

    But it’s freaking hard to Guide someone who doesn’t even know what their freaking quest is.

    I just told you what it was.

    *Harry snorts*  Please.  That’s not a quest.  That’s some kind of a half-assed wishy-washy dream.

    *Betsy straightens*  Hey, buddy, that’s MY wishy-washy dream.

    WhatEVER.  *Harry flips it away with one paw*  The point is, you can’t go on a quest if you don’t have a goal.  How the heck will you know if you ever get there?

    *Betsy considers* I guess you’ve got a point.

    Of course I’ve got a freaking point.  I’m a freaking Guide, aren’t I?

    Um, yes?

    Damn right I am.  *Harry paces some more then seems to come to a decision*  *Turns and faces Betsy*  Okay, here’s what we’re going to do.  We’re going to break for a couple of days.  You’re going to go off and think about what you want out of this whole writing deal.

    I just TOLD you!  *Betsy leaps to her feet*  And I’ve told Mavis.  And the Blogosphere.  I want to have fun!

    Well of course you freaking want to have fun.  You think people write because they want to have a root canal?

    *Betsy calms a little bit*  I guess not.

    Course not.  *Harry stands upright again and scowls at Betsy*  So you go away and think about what you want.  I’ll think about the different paths.  Then we’ll get together and start talking about some of this crap to try to work it out.  Got it?

    *Betsy scratches her head*  Yes?

    Good.  *Harry folds his little arms and nods*  Oh, and I signed up for cable.  You’ll get the bill next month.

    Now wait a minute–

    You don’t want me getting bored, do you?  Just think about the racket I can make if I run on my wheel at one o’clock in the morning.

    Good point.  *Betsy considers*  Okay, cable is fine, but no pay per view.

    Yeah, yeah.  *Harry settles down on his haunches *brings up Candy Crush on his Q-Pad.*  You’d better get going.  You’ve got a lot of thinking to do.  Just don’t do it too loudly.  I need my freaking beauty sleep.

    *Betsy turns to go*  I can’t believe I’m being intimated by my gerbil Quest Guide.

    And bring me some more lettuce! *Harry calls after her*

    *Betsy sighs*  Sure.

    *Betsy leaves the post*

    To be continued….

     quest

  • Mavis Returns

    carpet bagAs we resume our story, we find Betsy wandering aimlessly through her brain, wondering if Mavis, the elderly Mary-Poppins-like career consultant who visited her on Wednesday as a voice in her head sent by the International Muse Council (see this post for details), will return as promised….

    *singing* OOOOO Super-california-licious-blah-blah-ala-docious! Super–

    Hello, dear.

    Mavis, you came back!  *Betsy runs to watch Mavis float into her brain and land nearby* I thought you might have forgotten me.

    Nonsense.  *Mavis puts down a large carpet bag* *adjusts the lapels of her sensible tweed suit*  I put you in my Blackberry.  *opens large carpet bag* *removes desk, desk chair, and visitor’s chair and arranges them in brain*  *Mavis settles into the desk chair behind the desk and gestures*  Please have a seat.

    *Betsy obeys, perching on the visitor’s chair, hands clasped between her knees* Will you be staying with me longer this time?  Because that would be great.  I have some–

    No.  *Mavis folds her hands on the desk*  After I spoke to you on Wednesday, it became apparent you would require close and constant supervision.  With all of my other clients, I simply don’t have that kind of time in my schedule.  Frankly, dear, you’re a hands-on case.

    Oh.  * Betsy slumps back in the chair* Okay.

    *Mavis smiles kindly* Don’t worry, dear.  The International Muse Council has some concerns about what you will do if you are left to your own devices.  If you want to know the truth, they’re concerned about your mental stability.

    Thank…huh?

    After I discussed your situation with them, they decided to assign one of their up-and-coming Quest Guides to your case.  *Mavis reaches into her carpet bag and pulls out a large cage* I’d like you to meet Harry.

    Oh my God!  That’s a white mouse.

    Hey!  *Harry glares*  *Opens the cage door and struts onto the desk*  *Stands upright with tiny paws on his hips*  I’m a freaking gerbil here.  Show some freaking respect already.

    *Betsy turns to Mavis*  Are you KIDDING me?

    Harry is an extremely experienced Quest Guide.  *Mavis’s gaze slides to the left*

    So let me get this straight.  In mythology when people start out on a life-altering quest, they’re led by a white stag, or perhaps a white rabbit.  But I get an albino GERBIL?

    *Harry swaggers towards Betsy*  What?  You gotta problem with that?  You prejudiced against gerbils or somethin’?

    *Mavis looks pained*   You need a Guide.  Harry is a Guide.  And if he can guide a hopeless case like you down a productive path towards her goals, he’ll get a promotion.

    Yeah. *Harry folds arms and looks satisfied*  I might finally make freaking rabbit status.  Or at least hamster.

    Oh, that’s just great!  *Betsy throws up hands in disgust*  *gets up and paces away*  I have a junior achiever gerbil Quest Guide.

    Hush up both of you and listen to me.  *Mavis glares*

    *Betsy stops pacing and looks down*  Sorry ma’am.

    *Harry sits on his haunches*  Sorry ma’am

    *Mavis nods*  Much better.  Now, Betsy, Harry’s personal goals mean he will be as motivated as you to ensure the quest succeeds. *Mavis glares*  And since you’ve been fooling around for years, you really don’t have much room to complain.  Not every aspiring creative gets a Guide of any sort.

    I know.  *Betsy kicks at the desk* *shrugs jerkily*  I just kind of hoped if I had a Guide for my quest it would be a white stag, you know?

    Look, I can guide you.  *Harry hops over to Betsy and peers up at her*  I can guide the crap out of you.  Nora Roberts always said I had a knack.

    I don’t think…You know Nora Roberts?

    I guided her to the ladies room at a conference once.  It was a moment.

    Oh.  Well, my Muse–

    Your Muse is a good kid, but she’s all artsy-fartsy.  She ain’t gonna be there when you’re trying to find your way through the forest of publishing or whatever, is she?  She’ll be off eating donuts or finger painting or something.  You wanna figure out what the hell you’re doing all by yourself like you have been?  How’s that been working for you?

    Well–

    Look, I’m a stag trapped in a gerbil’s body okay?  Just give me a chance to prove it.

    This entire conversation is a waste of time.  Harry is staying.  *Mavis stands*  *Puts Harry and his cage on the floor of the brain*  *Packs desk, desk chair, and visitor’s chair into carpet bag and closes it with a snap*  I must go now, but I’ll check back later for a status update.  And I EXPECT improvement.

    *Mavis picks up bag, opens umbrella, clicks heels, and floats out of post*

    Great *Harry rubs his little paws together*  *Looks around brain*  Where can we put my wheel?  And my cage needs some fresh straw by the way.

    Terrific. *Betsy sighs* *picks up Harry’s cage*  Come on.

    And can I get a salad or somethin’?  This Guiding crap makes me hungry.

    *Betsy sighs again*  Sure.

    *Betsy and Harry leave the post*

     

    To be continued…..

    harry

     

  • Mavis

    mavisHello, dear.

    I…hello?  Who are you?

    I’m Mavis, dear.

    No…I mean…it’s nice to meet you, but who ARE you?  And why are you talking to me?

    I’m a consultant, dear.

    I have a consultant who’s a voice in my head.

    Yes, dear.

    Wow.  I’m more screwed up than I thought I was.  I mean, can multiple personality disorder be far behind?

    No.

    And not only do I have a consultant voice in my head, I have a consultant voice in my head who sounds like an elderly librarian from the Midwest.

    Shush.  Shush now.  Let me speak.

    Yes ma’am.  Sorry, ma’am.

    Very well.  First, I am not technically a voice IN your head as I am just visiting.

    Um, okay.

    I am here to help you get your thoughts in order.  Work out this whole writing thing.  Plot your trajectory, if you will.

    Wait – you’re a CAREER consultant?

    Yes, dear.

    Huh.  Well, that explains a lot about my career.  Okay, so, what, you just decided to show up?

    Not exactly.  Apparently you were overheard discussing some initiatives with the Blogosphere last Sunday and it was reported to the International Muse Council.

    What?  The International–

    The International Muse Council.  Since your performance thus far has been a trifle…substandard, the IMC is concerned you will make the writing profession appear foolish.  They feel you need some additional…assistance.

    But my Muse–

    Oh, piffle.  That young thing is too flighty by half.  Besides, she represents the creative side of things.  My role is to help with planning.

    Planning?

    Yes, dear.  Planning.  I know you are rather unfamiliar with the concept, but if you want to go on we really must get a few things nailed down first.  Now, please take a seat.

    Take a…Wait!  Where did the desk and chairs come from?  They weren’t here before.

    Creative visualization.

    And is that a Mac book Air? Where’s mine?  Do I get one too?

    Only so much will fit in your brain, dear.  Now.  *Mavis sits behind desk in big leather chair*  *pulls papers from a massive briefcase and stacks them on desk* *boots up computer*  Let’s get started.

    Hey!  I can see you!

    See?  *Mavis smiles* You’re getting the hang of this whole creativity thing after all.  Baby steps, dear.   Baby steps.  But we really must get down to work. *shuffles papers*  First, we must discuss your blog.

    Okay.  *Betsy perches tentatively on the edge of the chair on the other side of the desk*  I want to write the blog more regularly.

    Uh hmmm.  Excellent.  And I understand you want writing the blog to be — *Mavis looks over her reading glasses* — fun.

    Yes.  *Betsy leans forward eagerly*  I want it to be fun.

    I see. *Mavis studies her*  And what exactly did you think you would write about?  What will you consider…fun?

    *Betsy sinks back in her chair*  That’s a little bit of a problem.  See, I don’t really know anything exciting to write about, and I don’t really DO anything exciting except write.

    Perhaps you could write about writing.

    Yeah, but EVERYBODY does that.  *waves hands*  You can’t throw a rock in the blogosphere without hitting a hundred blogs talking about writing.

    True.  *Mavis considers*  They are trying to establish their authority.  But you really don’t have any of that.

    No.  I’m not even sure I want it.

    Good for you, dear.  We should all recognize our limitations.

    Uh…thanks.

    I suppose you could write about yourself and your problems.  After all, there are so many.

    I’m sure I will in the future, but that sounds a little boring.

    *silence*

    Does this blog HAVE to be fun?

    Yes!  I do too much else that’s NOT fun.  The blogging has to be fun, or why bother?  I’m too old to slave at something I don’t like.

    Well, yes.  You are getting a little long in the tooth.  Why don’t you tell me what you like to write.

    Well, I like writing conversations like this.  Do you think that would be stupid if I did this kind of thing more often?  Then maybe it wouldn’t just me spouting off about my feelings and crap.  I could spout off about my feelings WITH somebody.

    *Mavis purses her thin lips*

    And maybe I wouldn’t be so…alone out here.  *Betsy looks away, feeling vulnerable*  Maybe then I’d figure out what I’m doing.

    Hmmm.  *Mavis thinks for a moment*  *Nods her head as if reaching a decision*  *Begins to pack papers back into briefcase*  I believe that this situation calls for a different approach than the one I had originally intended.  If you’ll just wait there–

    You’re leaving?  *Betsy sits upright*  Where are you going?  This post is already way too long!

    Very well, we’ll have to continue this discussion Sunday.  *Mavis packs computer, desk and office chair into her briefcase*  She stares at Betsy until Betsy stands, then packs the visitor chair into her briefcase as well*  *Looks around with satisfaction*  Very good.  I always like to leave a brain neat and tidy.  *Turns back to  Betsy*  Now, dear, you go about your business and play with your Muse for a few days.  I’ll be back after I take care of a few things.

    Do you…promise?

    I promise.  *Mavis gives a thin smile, clicks her heels, and, clutching her big briefcase,  floats out of the post*

    She’s not a librarian, she’s an old Mary Poppins.  *Betsy looks around cautiously* *Relaxes when she sees she is alone in her brain except for the Muse sleeping on a divan*

    That was really weird.  I think I need some coffee.

    And maybe a quaalude.

    *Betsy shuffles out of the post*

    –To be continued–

     magic

  • Betsy Builds A Snowman…er…Blog Post

    hello, blogosphere
     
    Blogosphere?

    *silence*

    Blogosphere,  I know you’re there.  *touches door closed in her face*

    *crickets chirp*

    I had a good excuse for not blogging this time.  I did.  It was a very rough winter.

    *wind whistles through trees*

    I honestly didn’t have the time to blog.

    *echoes* blooog blooog blooog

    Blogosphere?  I really miss you.  *places hand flat on door’s wooden planks* *sings* Do you want to build a blog post?

    *door slams open*  Oh, no you didn’t!

    Blogosphere!  There you are!

    Tell me you didn’t just sing “do you want to build a blog post” in Kristen Bell’s voice to the tune of “Do You Want to Build A Snowman”, a well-loved song from the hit Disney movie Frozen, just so all of these keywords will be in this post and thus help your SEO and website discoverability!

    Um, no.  Uh, of course not. *eyes slide to the left*

    You did!  You totally did and now you’re PLAYING me.  

    Okay, yes!  Yes, I am!  Facebook is jerking me around by not sharing my posts. Twitter moves too fast, Google Plus doesn’t like me, and Pinterest is only interested in recipes.  You’re all I have left, Blogosphere, the only place where I mean anything at all because I own a dear wee little bit of you.  I NEED to use you. I’m SUPPOSED to use you. It’s what everyone says to do. A domain….my own domain…all I have….left.

    Oh, right.  So, tell me this then.  What are your plans this time around, huh?  I know how you roll now sister.  You’ve got nothing but a long trail of dreams and broken promises behind you.  You tell me you’ll make the commitment.  You tell me you’ll be here regularly.  Then I won’t hear from you for six months.  Do you know how your domain CRIED for you?  Do you know how it WEPT?

    I’m sorry!  I’m really sorry!  I just had a lot of things coming down around me and I couldn’t–

    And I’ll bet you’re thinking that your personal angst and drama broken by brief and pathetic attempts at humor are going to be enough to pique your audience’s interest and maintain their attention until you finally F*?!@%G get your book finished?

    Um….yes?

    Oh, for God’s….*heavy breathing*  Look.  If you’re serious about keeping things going this time–

    I am!  I am!

    –what do you want from it?  Huh?  What are you looking for?

    I–

    Don’t waste either of our times with excuses.  Don’t toy with your domain again!  While we’re here I could be off watching Miley Cyrus show her butt off while she twerks in a thong! Tell me what you want from this blog?

    I…I…I’m supposed–

    Forget supposed! Forget what everyone tells you what a blog is supposed to be. What do YOU really want? SPIT IT OUT!

    I…I…I want it to be FUN!

    Fun?

    Yes!  Fun!  I want my writing to be fun!  I want my blogging to be fun!  Since nobody’s reading anyway–

    Two people.

    –I can do whatever I want to do, right?

    It’s your hosting fee.

    Then I want it to be FUN! *crosses arms*  Take that!

    Hmmm.  Fun.

    For me!  Fun for me.  It can be all angsty and honest and revealing and crap, but has to be fun too! It has to be fun to write.

    Well–

    It has to be lively! *points to blog header*  Do you SEE that?  Lively!  Zesty!  Zany!  Screwball! Because that’s ME, goddammit!  ME! ME! ME!

    Okay, now you’re scaring me.

    *scream-sings*  DO YOU WANT TO BUILD A SNOWMAN…!!!!

    Okay, okay.  Jesus, shut up.  I get it already.

    Fun!  *fists clench*  *breath heaves*

    Fine. Fun. Sounds good.

    *blinks*  Really?

    Sure.  If you think it’s fun, you might actually keep doing it.

    Thank you.  *clears throat* *straightens t-shirt*

    Not like I pay much attention anyway.

    I’m just not sure how to make it…um…fun.

    How the hell would I know that?  You’ve got enough voices in your head.  Talk to some of them.

    Hmmm.  They ARE always talking to me anyway.  They might as well be useful.  *ponders*  Yes.  Yes, I think that’s a good idea.  I’ll talk to the Muse.  She’s been percolating.

    Wonderful.  Are we done here?  I have to go comment on nudity in Game of Thrones.

    Oh, yes.  Thank you, Blogosphere.  You’ve been very helpful.

    Well, I am the repository of knowledge and cat videos for this generation.

    *Blogosphere leaves the post*

    I feel so…energized!  Oh! Oh, I have to go plan!  *sings*  Let it go…..let it go……

    Betsy skips out of post.
     

    [tube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V2hJYS6XNiw[/tube]