Betsy Horvath

Category: Conversations with the Blogosphere

  • Finding The Blogosphere

    Betsy:   Blogosphere?

    *silence*

    Betsy:   Hello? Blogosphere? Are you there?

    *crickets*

    Betsy:   Darn it all, Blogosphere! I’m talking to you!

    *more silence*

    Muse:   I think we maybe pissed him off.

    Betsy:   We? Who’s we? I would have been talking to him 24/7 but you’ve been running me ragged.

    Muse:   Damn straight! Drop and give me twenty!

    Betsy:   Geeze! Not again. *falls to floor* *begins push-ups*

    Muse:   MWHAHAHA! Power is mine!

    Coffee:   Hey, I have some power too.

    Muse:   Of course you do, babycakes. *smooch* *slurp*

    Betsy:   Oh, for heaven’s sake. Can’t you two keep your hands off each other?

    Muse:    You know what they say.

    Coffee:   Everything’s better with caffeine.

    Betsy:   Man. *stands up* *breaths heavily for a moment* Okay, where do you think the Blogosphere has gone?

    Muse:    I think he’s the same place he’s always been, he’s just snubbing you.

    Coffee:   Yeah. He’s got important stuff to think about, like Kate’s boobs and Snooki’s baby. Besides, what do you expect? You’ve been ignoring him.

    Betsy:   I haven’t been ignoring him! Do you even WANT to know how much time I’ve spent watching the Kitten Cam? Have you seen how many hours I’ve wasted on YouTube? Ignoring him, my left pinkie.

    Muse:   You’ve been turning off the internet connection regularly.

    Betsy:   When I’m writing! When I’m trying to move forward with my life’s work! Then, yeah, I turn off the internet connection. And do you know why? It’s because the Blogosphere is too damned fascinating. When he’s available, I want nothing else. I crave him, as one craves chocolate, both sweet and bitter…

    Coffee:   What the hell are you talking about?

    Betsy:   Sorry. But my point is, it’s not that I love the Blogosphere less, it’s because I love him all the more that I must turn away. We’re just… we’re just not always good for each other…

    Coffee:   Uh huh.

    Betsy:   O Coffee, where oh where has my Blogosphere gone? Where are my hits? Where are my follows? Why do people no longer know my name? Why am I a stranger in a strange land?

    Coffee:   *shrugs* Because nobody gives a sh—

    Betsy:   Coffee!

    Coffee:   –darn.

    Betsy:   *sob*

    Muse:   Don’t be sad, Betsy. I think I know where the Blogosphere is.

    Betsy:   *sniffles* You do?

    Muse:   Yes! *beams* We must follow this road—

    Betsy:   This road? Why, I never noticed it before! And it appears to be made of…yellow bricks?

    Muse:   Yes! And we must head through this field of poppies.

    Coffee: Whoa, man. Look at all the pretty butterflies…

    Muse:   To that green city over there!

    Betsy:   Do you mean that Emerald City, Muse? *wide eyed surprise*

    Muse:   Yes! It used to be owned by Tom Cruise!

    Betsy:   And we’ll find the Blogosphere there?

    Muse:   Yes! He’s hiding behind a curtain creating illusions for those who seek him.

    Betsy:   Then let’s go! And we’ll find my hits, my follows, my name.

    Muse:   Sure.

    Betsy:   *starts skipping down the road* We’re off to see the Blogosphere! The wonderful Blogosphere of the Internet…

    Coffee:   I’d better go. She’s not going to be able to skip long without me.

    Muse:   *sigh*

     

  • Branding Ms. Betsy

    I’m so glad you’ve agreed to meet with me today, Blogosphere.

    I didn’t have much choice. You kept googling me.

    Yes, well, *hum* I wanted to reach out to you and get your thoughts on how I can build my author brand. I envision this as an informal brainstorming session, if you will.

    I think you should finish your next book.

    You are, after all, the expert on this kind of thing, as well as being a vast repository of knowledge in general.

    You could write more books after you finish this one.

    So, *flips pages* Let’s begin with Facebook. Should I purchase “likes” for my page? Maybe one of those ads that annoy everyone and therefore gets attention? And how should I increase my “reach” and “talking about” numbers to make sure I’m maximizing my placement and message? I want to find the right synergy between transparency and publicity to facilitate interaction.

    You could, you know, write more books.

    Uh huh. As far as Twitter goes, do you think I should increase my involvement? I’m not sure what number of tweets per day would be most beneficial to keep my presence at its most lively. Perhaps I should mention my book in each and every tweet, to wit – “HOLD ME! I’ve been HOLD ME invaded by HOLD ME ants.” What do you think? Perhaps I should schedule tweets every half hour to ensure my book is promoted constantly.

    Maybe writing more books would be good.

    I’m also focused on increasing my number of blog hits. I was considering posting a link for my blog on every page I can find. Maybe I could purchase a banner ad or – OH! – a pop up ad that covers the entire screen when someone tries to open a page. Movement and sound would also be good so others notice and ask about the ad. That would be word of mouth advertising.

    There’s always writing more books.

    Perhaps my pop up web page ad could include a poll asking people if they think I should expand into other social media properties. If a person can’t click through to the page they want to read until they take my poll, I’m certain I’ll get a response.

    Hey! I’ve got an idea! You could write more books!

    *frowns* I don’t believe you are taking my issues seriously, Blogosphere. And I will not be ignored.

    Yes, Betsy.  If you only have one book out, you’re pretty much going to be ignored..

    My sense is that you are telling me to follow the “write more books” paradigm to handle this situation.

    There you go.

    But what about my brand?

    How about “content is king”?

    I was thinking “If you build it, they will come.”  Should I start playing baseball like “Field of Dreams”? Isn’t that the wrong demographic for romantic suspense? Or should I put Kevin Costner up as my banner image to attract the older women?

    You know what? I’m out of here.

    *Blogosphere leaves the post*

    I could sign baseballs and give them away as swag. Blogosphere? Wait! Come back….

    *Betsy leaves the post*

     

     

  • Dueling With The Blogosphere

    Blogosphere.

    Betsy.

    En garde!

    *slash* *clatter* *slash* *parry parry* *jab jab jab*

    You’re amazing, Blogosphere.

    Thank you. I’ve studied *duck* hard to become so.

    *parry parry thrust*

    Tell me why we’re fighting again? Oops! *Blogosphere throws sword in air* *sommersaults off rock to ground below* *catches sword as it falls from sky*

    Because. *Betsy throws sword into ground* *leaps gracefully off rock to ground below* *grabs sword and slashes it through the air*

    Because why? *parry slash*

    Because you, Blogosphere are encroaching too far into my writing time and I must beat you into submission.

    *clatter* *slash* *ding ding ding*

    Get used to disappointment. *Blogosphere runs to top of mountain*

    So you say. *parry jab jab jab* But you appear to be on the run.

    I am. But I know something you do not know.

    What’s that? *Betsy leaps forward* *swords clash together* *sound rings through the mountains*

    I am not left handed.

    *Blogosphere whips sword around and changes hands* *rises to feet* *charges Betsy* You think I encroach into your writing time? *thrust thrust* You don’t know what I can do. Facebook. *jab* Twitter *jab* eHarlequin *jab jab* Blogs *jab jab jab* Hah! You’re on the defensive now, aren’t you Betsy? You think you can write! *thrust* *slash* *clang* SIMS!

    Ah! You’re a terrific fighter, Blogosphere, but I know something as well. *parry parry parry*

    What’s that? *thrust*

    I am not left handed either. *Betsy tosses sword to right hand* AHA! *leaps at Blogosphere*

    *swords clash* *Betsy and Blogosphere dance around each other* *jab at each other with their swords*

    Doesn’t this seem a little silly? *Blogosphere breathes hard*

    Hello! My name is Betsy Horvath! You killed my writing time! Prepare to die! *slash slash slash*

    Oh, for God’s…hey! *parry* *parry*

    *Betsy beats Blogosphere back into corner* *Blogosphere falls to ground* *drops sword* *falls to knees as Betsy raises sword*

    Look, you need me! I’m important to you as a writer.

    *Betsy pauses* *lowers sword* *Pants* *looks down at Blogosphere*

    Not if you demand all of my writing time.

    You don’t have to be with me all the time, dumbass. You can fit me AROUND your writing time.

    *Betsy raises sword again* Who are you calling “dumbass”?

    *Blogosphere holds up hands* I’m just saying that if nobody knows about you, nobody will care if you write or not.

    You’re saying that without you, I could be…obsolete?

    *Blogosphere nods* If a writer writes in a forest and nobody hears her, did she ever write at all?

    Huh?

    Never mind. Okay, maybe I went too far. But you don’t have to kill me. We need to work together on this thing.

    *Betsy lowers sword* *tip points to ground* Partners?

    Partners

    *Betsy thinks for a moment* Okay. We’ll try.

    Great. Give me a hand up.

    *Betsy reaches down and pulls Blogosphere to it’s feet* *They eye each other suspiciously*

    Come on. It’s late. Let’s go check some email.

    Okay.

    *Betsy tosses sword away* *walks off with Blogosphere into the sunset*

     

    The End

     

    OR IS IT????

     

    Here’s a link to the duel between Inigo Montoya and the Dread Pirate Roberts  – much as Betsy duels with the Blogosphere!!

     

     

  • The Anniversary Post

    *music plays softly in background* *candles flicker*

    Come here, Blogosphere!

    *No answer*

    Oh, Blogosphere!

    *Still no answer*

    Ohhh baaabbyyy…my sweet baaabbbbyyy….you’re the one…

    What!?! Sweet God, stop singing!

    Hello, Blogosphere.

    What do you want? And why are you wearing cropped pants that are way too tight?

    Well, love is strange.  *swishes side to side* Do you like them?

    I’m seeing parts of you I never wanted to. You look like you’re trying to reenact a scene from Dirty Dancing.

    Maybe more than one. *smiles flirtatiously* *draws square with hands* This is my personal dance space.

    O-kay. Sorry babe, but you don’t look anything like Jennifer Grey.

    *hands on hips*  Well, you don’t look like Patrick Swayze either.

    I could look like him if I wanted to. What is all of this anyway? *Blogosphere looks around* There’s so much… satin in here.

    This is our anniversary post. *pouts* *sticks out big bottom lip* It’s been exactly one year since the first time we talked.  You don’t remember?

    Oh hell, of course I don’t. What kind of an attention span do you think I have?

    *Betsy slips slowly into a convenient chair* *stares at Blogosphere in shock and pain* But…but… we’ve been in a committed blogging relationship for a year now. Three times a week. Just like clockwork.  One hundred…one hundred and forty seven posts.  I counted.

    So?

    It matters!

    Sure, babe.

    It does! Most blogs die in the first year. We made it! We’ve come this far. Blogosphere, don’t turn away from me now. I’ll dance the cha-cha if you want me to. I don’t know what I’m going to do if I can’t talk to you anymore.

    Don’t you get it, Betsy? Don’t you see?  I’m balanced on poop and just like that I can slip down there again. I like poop. I need it. You don’t give me enough poop.

    I can’t believe this! *stands* *whirls away* *stomps around the post waving arms* I’ve put aside my own writing!  I’ve walked away from Google Plus! You don’t pay attention anyway!  I did it all for NUTHIN’  (props for keeping the poop reference PG, by the way.)

    Thanks.  Um, No!  It’s not nuthin’, Betsy! Nobody’s ever done anything like that for me before.

    Horse hockey!

    Horse hockey? Sheesh. Okay, okay. That’s a lie. Several million people do things like this for me every second of the day, but it’s not the same. It’s not like it is between us. *smiles* Trust me.

    You’re right, Blogosphere. I give up. I can’t win no matter how hard I try.

    No, no, Betsy. *Blogosphere rushes forward* Don’t you say that. *You* can win.  I know you can.

    I used to think I could. But I see the truth now. I know what you are. You just take us bloggers any way you can find us. Then you don’t pay any attention at all.

    Look, you’ve gotta understand what it’s like, Betsy. I come through the cable and satellites and suddenly these women, they’re throwing themselves at me. And for a while I think, hey, they wouldn’t be doing this if they didn’t care about me, right?

    That’s alright. I understand. You’re just using us, that’s all.

    No, no that’s not it. That’s the thing, Betsy, see it isn’t like that. You all are using me. *leer* And you like it.

    *silence*

    Well, it is kind of….fun.

    There’s the spirit.

    And if I want to write a blog for another year, well then who’ll tell me I can’t?

    You go, girl!

    And if nobody reads it, I’m not going to give a crap! I’m just going to keep writing and writing and writing!

    Yes!

    Nobody puts Betsy in the corner!

    You said it!

    *pause*

    But Blogosphere, I have to tell you something. *takes deep breath*

    What?

    You know, I’ve had the time of my life. Yes, I swear. It’s the truth. And I owe it all to you.

    No problem, babe.

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WpmILPAcRQo

    Happy Anniversary!

     

  • A Betsy’s Blog Christmas Party


    “Christ-mas is coming! The goose is getting FAAATTTT–“

    Blogosphere?

    “Please to put a penny in the old man’s HAAAAATTTTTT–“

    Blogosphere!

    “If you have no penny, a ha’ penny will DOOOOOOOOOO….”

    Blogosphere! Shut up for a minute!

    What? Oh, hey. How’s it going?

    What are you doing up on that ladder?

    What does it look like I’m doing? I’m decoratin’

    You’re decoratin’, uh, I mean, you’re decorating? Again?

    Yeah. For the party.

    Party?

    Yeah. Party. Must you repeat everything I say?

    *crosses arms* No, but the other things I want to do to you can’t be done in a blog post.

    Huh. That sounds like a quote from your book.

    Never mind. *waves hand* When did we decide to have a party?

    WE didn’t. Your Muse and I decided when we were out to dinner last night.

    Out to….Blogosphere, are you DATING my MUSE?

    Hey! She’s a lot of fun when she’s not all tied down to you.

    But–

    Blogosphere? Honey are you here? *Muse enters the post* *sees Betsy* *stops* Oh. Hello.

    Hello, Muse. Something you forgot to tell me?

    Like what?

    Like that you were having a PARTY in my blog maybe?

    Oh, that. *Muse waves it away* It’s the Christmas season. The Blogosphere and I wanted to have a little fun. I thought you were talking about the other thing.

    You want to–what other thing?

    Never mind.

    Hey, babe, did you see the decorations? Whaddya think?

    *Muse looks around* Oh, Pookie! They’re just beautiful! You did such a good job!

    Pookie?

    What color ribbon is that anyway?

    Puce. I had it left over from the Release Day party.

    Ohhhhh. Pretty.

    Can we just talk here for a moment–

    Look who I found outside wandering around!

    I don’t– Coffee?  Coffee, is that you?

    Ah, Betsy. **Coffee takes Betsy’s hand and kisses the palm** It is so good to see you, ma cherie.  I had to be here.  You consume me.

    Oh, Coffee…you’re talking with such a sexy accent…

    I am ze French Roast.

    Of course.

    Let’s all sing!

    Okay.

    “If you have no ha’ penny, then God Bless You!
    God Bless You, Gentlemen, God Bless You!
    And if you have no ha’ penny, then God Bless You!”

    What the hell is a “ha’ penny” anyway?

    Oh, Blogosphere. Go look it up in yourself.

    *everyone laughs* *eggnog is spiked and poured* *Coffee brews*

    And the party continued long into the night. But it was okay. Coffee was there to wake Betsy up in the morning.  *wink, wink*

     

  • Relationship Crisis

    Hello?

    *silence*

    Hello, is anybody there?

    *crickets chirping*

    Blogosphere? Are you there? *clicks tongue* Here Blogosphere! Come here, little Blogosphere! Sweet little Blogosphere…

    Excuse me, but did you really just call me like you would call a dog?

    Oh, Blogosphere! There you are.

    So, are we talking again?

    Of course we’re talking! When were we not talking?

    How about for the last two or three weeks.

    I talked to you. I posted regularly and I was on Facebook and Twitter and–

    I don’t give a crap about Facebook and Twitter.

    But aren’t they part–

    Epp! *slices finger across throat*

    Sorry. You were saying?

    You backed  off. You wrote some big dramatic blog post about how your time was so “precious” *sneers* and you didn’t have any left for me.

    I did not! I said that I was going to post twice a week, but I never said that I didn’t have time for you!

    That’s not what I heard. That’s not what your “public” (and I use the term loosely) heard. They heard that you were backing away from me. They heard that you were spurning me. They saw you flip me the finger and walk off.

    No! No that’s not true! I would NEVER walk away from you, Blogosphere! It’s just that my time–

    Oh, please. *saws forefinger over thumb* See this? This is a little violin playing just for you.

    Time is important!

    Cry me a river.

    And you want me to keep writing, don’t you? Well… don’t you?

    Yeah, sure. Whatever.

    Besides, I decided that it was a mistake to go to twice a week blog posts.

    Oh, really?

    Yes. You’ve been so cold. So distant. I just can’t tolerate this new…tension between us.

    Uh, huh.

    Really! You’re important to me, Blogosphere. Our relationship is important. I’m not going to just toss that away.

    Hmmm.

    Honest. I’m writing again, Blogosphere. I’m writing regularly. And…and I want to come back. I want to come back to three times a week blog posts. I can’t, well, I can’t get by only seeing you twice a week. I need more of you.

    So you’ll do me three times a week again?

    Uh, yeah. I guess you could put it that way.

    You’ll  Follow Friday on Twitter again?

    I thought you didn’t give a crap about Twitter.

    Just answer the damn question!

    Yes, yes, yes! I’m going to tweet and post and Facebook and I’m going to “like” and respond and read emails and be the bestest social media queen that you ever saw. I’m going to interact with you like you’ve never been interacted with before! Our relationship…it’s entering a new phase. A better one. More mature.

    Mature, huh?

    Yeah, mature. I’m sorry I stepped away from you, Blogosphere. I was…I was…wrong. *sob* You’re so important to me… Take me back. Take me back, please..*sob*

    Geez, get a hold of yourself.

    *whimper* I’m trying.

    Okay. Look, it’s all right.  I understand.  How about you just do your best and I’ll pay exactly as much attention to you as I ever did.

    Really?

    Really.

    Thank you, Blogosphere. Um, how much attention was that again? Blogosphere? Blogosphere are you still there? Hello….

    *silence*

    Um, thank you.

    I think.