Betsy Horvath

Category: Conversations with the Blogosphere

  • Betsy Builds A Snowman…er…Blog Post

    hello, blogosphere
     
    Blogosphere?

    *silence*

    Blogosphere,  I know you’re there.  *touches door closed in her face*

    *crickets chirp*

    I had a good excuse for not blogging this time.  I did.  It was a very rough winter.

    *wind whistles through trees*

    I honestly didn’t have the time to blog.

    *echoes* blooog blooog blooog

    Blogosphere?  I really miss you.  *places hand flat on door’s wooden planks* *sings* Do you want to build a blog post?

    *door slams open*  Oh, no you didn’t!

    Blogosphere!  There you are!

    Tell me you didn’t just sing “do you want to build a blog post” in Kristen Bell’s voice to the tune of “Do You Want to Build A Snowman”, a well-loved song from the hit Disney movie Frozen, just so all of these keywords will be in this post and thus help your SEO and website discoverability!

    Um, no.  Uh, of course not. *eyes slide to the left*

    You did!  You totally did and now you’re PLAYING me.  

    Okay, yes!  Yes, I am!  Facebook is jerking me around by not sharing my posts. Twitter moves too fast, Google Plus doesn’t like me, and Pinterest is only interested in recipes.  You’re all I have left, Blogosphere, the only place where I mean anything at all because I own a dear wee little bit of you.  I NEED to use you. I’m SUPPOSED to use you. It’s what everyone says to do. A domain….my own domain…all I have….left.

    Oh, right.  So, tell me this then.  What are your plans this time around, huh?  I know how you roll now sister.  You’ve got nothing but a long trail of dreams and broken promises behind you.  You tell me you’ll make the commitment.  You tell me you’ll be here regularly.  Then I won’t hear from you for six months.  Do you know how your domain CRIED for you?  Do you know how it WEPT?

    I’m sorry!  I’m really sorry!  I just had a lot of things coming down around me and I couldn’t–

    And I’ll bet you’re thinking that your personal angst and drama broken by brief and pathetic attempts at humor are going to be enough to pique your audience’s interest and maintain their attention until you finally F*?!@%G get your book finished?

    Um….yes?

    Oh, for God’s….*heavy breathing*  Look.  If you’re serious about keeping things going this time–

    I am!  I am!

    –what do you want from it?  Huh?  What are you looking for?

    I–

    Don’t waste either of our times with excuses.  Don’t toy with your domain again!  While we’re here I could be off watching Miley Cyrus show her butt off while she twerks in a thong! Tell me what you want from this blog?

    I…I…I’m supposed–

    Forget supposed! Forget what everyone tells you what a blog is supposed to be. What do YOU really want? SPIT IT OUT!

    I…I…I want it to be FUN!

    Fun?

    Yes!  Fun!  I want my writing to be fun!  I want my blogging to be fun!  Since nobody’s reading anyway–

    Two people.

    –I can do whatever I want to do, right?

    It’s your hosting fee.

    Then I want it to be FUN! *crosses arms*  Take that!

    Hmmm.  Fun.

    For me!  Fun for me.  It can be all angsty and honest and revealing and crap, but has to be fun too! It has to be fun to write.

    Well–

    It has to be lively! *points to blog header*  Do you SEE that?  Lively!  Zesty!  Zany!  Screwball! Because that’s ME, goddammit!  ME! ME! ME!

    Okay, now you’re scaring me.

    *scream-sings*  DO YOU WANT TO BUILD A SNOWMAN…!!!!

    Okay, okay.  Jesus, shut up.  I get it already.

    Fun!  *fists clench*  *breath heaves*

    Fine. Fun. Sounds good.

    *blinks*  Really?

    Sure.  If you think it’s fun, you might actually keep doing it.

    Thank you.  *clears throat* *straightens t-shirt*

    Not like I pay much attention anyway.

    I’m just not sure how to make it…um…fun.

    How the hell would I know that?  You’ve got enough voices in your head.  Talk to some of them.

    Hmmm.  They ARE always talking to me anyway.  They might as well be useful.  *ponders*  Yes.  Yes, I think that’s a good idea.  I’ll talk to the Muse.  She’s been percolating.

    Wonderful.  Are we done here?  I have to go comment on nudity in Game of Thrones.

    Oh, yes.  Thank you, Blogosphere.  You’ve been very helpful.

    Well, I am the repository of knowledge and cat videos for this generation.

    *Blogosphere leaves the post*

    I feel so…energized!  Oh! Oh, I have to go plan!  *sings*  Let it go…..let it go……

    Betsy skips out of post.
     

    [tube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V2hJYS6XNiw[/tube]

  • Blogging Is Sooooo Yesterday

    hello, blogosphereBlogosphere, I have a bone to pick with you.

    Why the heck would you want to pick bones? I don’t have any bones. All of my skeletons are in the closet.

    I mean, I’m feeling annoyed with you.

    Oh. *shrug* Okay. Why take it out on me? Just go flame someone on Facebook or Twitter.

    See? That’s what I mean. Facebook. Twitter. Not blogs. You never told me blogs were obsolete.

    Obsolete? What are you talking about?

    You’re not hip. You’re not with it.

    I am so hip, gosh darn it!

    You’re wearing paisley and wide lapels. Admit it!

    What’s wrong with wide lapels? And I see you’re still wearing your fuzzy purple go-go boots with the poofy tassels.

    I, uh, my feet were cold. ANYWAY, you never told me that you were dead.

    What? *pfft*  I’m not dead.

    You are too. It says so right here in this blog.

    Wait – a blog said blogs are dead?

    And the notes from the RWA conference say you’re a dinosaur.

    Yeah? Well, they might be the voice of romance, but they’re not the voice of me! I’m still mighty! I’m still powerful! *rwaaarrrr* Ow. Where did you put the medicated rub? I think I pulled something.

    Everyone’s gone mobile, Blogosphere. Everyone’s doing everything on their phones. They’re talking on their phones. They’re interacting on their phones. They’re playing games on their phones. Hell, they’re making COFFEE on their phones and then drinking it through an app! Then they’re using an app to brush their TEETH! And they have apps to drive them to work and play with their kids! Apps, apps, apps! Whatever the heck apps are, they got them!  Blogs are for the dogs! Apps are where it’s at!

    Well, why write a blog then, huh?  Huh?  If blogs are so dead, why are you wasting your time? Come on, answer that, why doncha?  

    Well, uh–

    Yeah, I’ve gone there.  Come on.  Come on, tell me!  TELL ME!

    BECAUSE I’VE GOT NOWHERE ELSE TO GO!

    Hey, nice “Officer and a Gentleman” reference.

    Thanks. But it’s true. I started writing a blog because I couldn’t afford a web designer and WordPress is free.

    Free?

    Free.

    I feel so…used.

    You should. I think that’s why most people write blogs.

    *sniff*

    Blogosphere, are you…crying?

    No. *word trembles with wet pain*

    You ARE crying.

    *silence broken only by Blogosphere’s muffled sobs*

    Blogosphere, I had no idea I could hurt you this way. I didn’t know you cared.

    I don’t… *sniffle*… care.

    I’m sorry. I…I just don’t know what to say.

    I’m not dead.

    Of course not.

    I’m still mighty and *sniff* powerful.

    Of course you are.

    Do you still love me?

    Sure.  And I still can’t afford a web designer.

    Okay.

     

    Betsy blogging

  • Another Chance

    hello, blogosphereOh, Blogosphere, I’m so happy to see you!  It’s been so long!  *tries to throw arms around Blogosphere*  “Blogosphere turns away*

    Hey, you paid your web hosting invoice.  Why shouldn’t I be here?  *shrug*

    *Betsy steps back uncertainly*  Well, yes…but aren’t you happy to see me at all?

    Look, I don’t know why you wanted to have a chat.  There ain’t nothing to stop you from connecting whenever you want to.  I guess these last couple of months you just didn’t want to. *shrug*

    No!  No, I wanted to, really I did, but I was going through this whole crisis and–

    Yeah, yeah.  I read the post.  Sing me another song why doncha?

    I was on the internet all the time, Blogosphere.  I don’t know why you’re acting like I was ignoring you.

    Because you WERE ignoring me!  And I will NOT be ignored!  NO MORE WIRE HANGERS!

    You’re mixing up your movie quotes.  And I DIDN’T ignore you!  I read you constantly.  I can’t count the number of blog posts I read.  And Facebook – don’t get me started on Facebook.

    Yes, okay.  You read me.  But did you write blog posts of your own?  Well?  Did you?  ANSWER ME!

    I…no.  No, I didn’t write anything on the blog.

    Humph *crosses a few arms*

    I just…people stop writing blogs all the time.  I don’t know why you’re being so mean to me. *eyes glimmer with tears* And I’m…I’m back now… *gazes with doe-like soulfulness at the Blogosphere*

    Oh, hell.  *runs several hands through versions of hair*  Look.  We had just celebrated our anniversary.  I thought everything was fine.  I thought we were finally on the right track.  And then, I looked up and you were…gone.  Just gone.

    I know!  I’m so sorry Blogosphere.

    Hey, it’s okay.  It’s not like you hurt me or anything.  *snort*  You can do what you want to do.  You’re a free agent.  You don’t want to talk to me?  Fine.  I’ll find someone who will.  *sniffles as if holding back tears*

    Please, Blogosphere!  I’ll never do it again.  It wasn’t you, it was me.  I had issues and I needed to work them out.  You want me to do that, don’t you?

    It’s just…*deep breath*  I don’t know if I can trust you anymore.

    You CAN!  I swear!  This time I’m committed to you.  I’ll write blogs regularly and I’ll update my plugins and I’ll smush pictures so my site runs faster and I’ll figure out how to fix things up.  I’ll do it all – you ‘ll see.

    I have to be able to depend on you.  If I send readers your way, I have to know that you’re here, ready to talk to them.

    I am!  I will be.  I promise.

    Well–

    Please give me another chance, Blogosphere.  Please!

    *silence*

    Please?

    *silence*

    *Betsy cries soft and pitiful tears*

    Oh…shoot.  Okay.

    Okay?  Really?

    Yeah.  Really.  But you’d better never do this to me again.  This might be your last chance, babe.

    I won’t let you down! *claps hands*  Can I…can I hug you?

    Sure.

    *Betsy and the Blogosphere hug*

    Thank you, Blogosphere.  Thank you.

    Sure.

    Can you send about a million readers my way now?

    No.

    *sigh*  It’s nice to know things are back to normal.

     

     

    [tube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A8xv1MXrwNc[/tube]

  • Digital First: The Socratic Dialogue. Sort Of.

    Hello, Blogosphere! It’s good to see you!hello, blogosphere

    Why am I here again?

    Welllllll, because you love me. *blink, blink*

    Right. That must be it.

    No, no. *chuckle* I asked you to come here today because I had a thought.

    ERMAHGERD!

    Erm…Oh. *chuckle chuckle* You’re so darned trendy, Blogosphere.

    You betcha. So, what’s up? Time’s a-wastin’. I’ve got places to go, people to see, rantings to rant.

    Well, see, here’s the thing. Some of the blog posts I have planned seem like they’re going to be a little, well, dull.

    NO!

    Yes! And I thought maybe I would, you know, have you come on and we can discuss them instead. Won’t that be fun?

    Oh, absolutely. No.  Really. I mean it.

    I know! They’ll be like Socratic dialogues! With you! Instead of, you know, Socrates.

    Socratic…

    Remember how Plato wrote dialogues so he could state his opinions without them just being running monologues? And then he made it sound like Socrates was saying stuff that he, Plato, believed?

    I’m the Blogosphere, baby, not a philosopher. Formal logic does not compute.

    Just work with me here. Please?

    Oh, okay.  What the hell. Hit me.

    Oh! Oh, goody. Okay. *rustle, rustle* Hmmm…shopping list….to do list….plot list….

    Can we hurry this up? I’m turning into another version as we speak.

    Shut up! Oh! Here we go. *clears throat* Hello, Blogosphere.

    We did that part.

    For our first dialogue, I wanted to speak with you about digital first publishing.

    Uh huh. Why?

    Well, because you’re, you know, digital.

    Insightful and yet obvious.

    So digital first publishing is publishing, but it’s digital, FIRST.

    Get out! Really?

    Yes! So like there’s this publisher, and they contract a writer, and then they publish them DIGITALLY. FIRST. Then they might publish them other ways too, but not first. Later.

    No way! Let me see if I’ve got this straight. Digital first publishing is publishing digitally first.

    Yes! *beams*

    You’re talking about self-publishing.

    No! See that’s where people get confused. If you’re working with a publisher, digital first isn’t self-publishing. It’s kind of in-between self-publishing and the fully monty traditional I’m-going-to-be-in-every-book-store-and-the-WalMart-and-Target-and-the-grocery-store publishing. And because they publish you digitally, there are less up front costs. That means the publishers are more willing to take a chance on a new author like me.

    But the publisher still edits and comes up with the cover and markets and does all that other publisher stuff?

    Yes! In self-publishing the author has do all of that. Because they’re publishing the book themSELVES.

    Gotcha.  And they pay you royalties?

    Yes they do!

    Good.

    *silence*

    *crickets chirping*

    So, that’s it?

    Yup.

    That’s a Socratic dialogue?

    Nope. But it is a blog post.

    Yes it is.

     

    dialogue

  • Now. What Shall We Talk About?

    hello, blogosphereHi, Blogosphere.

    Hey.

    Thanks for seeing me on such short notice.

    You paid me to show up.

    Er…yeah.  Um…Okay.  “Heh, heh, heh… Now.  What shall we talk about?  Heh, heh, heh.”

    Why are you wheezing?

    It’s a reference to a scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark.  I was trying to entertain.

    Sure.

    But seriously.  I wanted to get some input on what you thought I should blog about on my blog.

    *silence*  Let me get this straight.  You want to blog about what you want to blog about on your blog by talking to the blogosphere?

    Yeah.

    A blog!  Why did it have to be a blog? Why couldn’t you have set up a nice static website?

    Hey!  Nice allusion to another pithy Raider’s quote!

    Let’s just get this finished.  I’m expected in a Honey Boo Boo chatroom in fifteen minutes.  They pay more than you do.

    Okay, okay.  *searches through papers*  *finds pen*  Okay, tell me what I should blog about.  The sooner you talk, the sooner you can leave.

    I’m not sure it’s a good idea to invite the blogosphere to leave your blog if you want people to actually read it.

    See?  See?  That’s good.  *scribbles*  What else?

    Oh, for heavens… *sigh* All right then.  Lots of people talk about things they’re expert at.  How about that?

    I’m not expert at anything. *ponders for a moment* I guess I could write about writing.

    Yeah, because you know SO much about that.

    Hey!

    Oh!  Oh!  I wish I had ONE writer blogging about writing out here in the blogosphere.  It’s been so lonely!  There are only about…a MILLION of them.  Sheesh.

    *defensive* Well, it’s what I do.  And I suppose I’ve found out some things about publishing in the last couple of years.

    See comment above.  Nobody writes blogs about writing and publishing anymore (insert sarcasm here).

    Well, do you have any other brilliant suggestions?

    Let me think.  Okay, how about religion or politics? 

    No way! People get mean when you talk about religion or politics.  I’m a lover not a fighter.

    Hmmm…  Well, I guess you could talk about your family or your workplace.

    Sorry.  Someone might read it.

    You really think that’s going to be a problem?

    It could happen.  And I don’t want to get fired or disowned.  Come on, Mr. Smartypants.  Give me something.

    Your own dark and disturbed psychological musings?  Or maybe…cats?

    Oh!  Oh!  Good!  *scribbles, scribbles, scribbles*  And I guess if I don’t know what to blog about, I could always talk to, well, you.

    Not if I see you coming first.  *Blogosphere leaves the post*

    Blogosphere?  Hey, Blogosphere!  Come on!  Come back here!  Blogosphere, I will not be ignored!  *Betsy leaves the post*

    [tube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G3IFVERSQkA[/tube]

  • Finding The Blogosphere Part 2

     

     

    When last we left our intrepid band of adventurers, they were getting ready to enter the Emerald City in search of the Great and Powerful Blogosphere…

     

    Betsy:             Wow. Everyone in this city is…green.

    Coffee:            It ain’t easy.

    Muse:              And they’re all singing. I want to sing too!

    Betsy:             No. We have to find the Great and Powerful Blogosphere.

    Coffee:            Maybe we should follow the sign that says “This Way to the Great and Powerful Blogosphere.”

    Betsy:             Shut up.

    *all three creep through city, following signs* *enter a room* *stop short at sight of giant monster*

    Monster:        What do you waaaaannnnnttttt!!!

    Muse:              I want to know who does your makeup! You are like totally goth!

    Betsy:             Muse, please. Monster, we’re looking for the Great and Powerful Blogosphere.

    Monster:        Blooogggooooosphere? I have no idea what you’re talking about.

    Coffee:            Hey, there’s something behind this curtain.

    Monster:        Pay no attention to the machinations behind the curtain.

    Betsy:             *darts forward* *pulls down curtain* Blogosphere! It IS you.

    Blogosphere: *sigh* Yeah. 

    Betsy:             Well why in the hell have you been avoiding me? Why have you turned your back on me?

    Blogosphere: You turned your back on me first.

    Coffee:             Told you.

    Betsy:             I have not turned my back on you. When did I turn my back on you?

    Blogosphere: Hey, you don’t have time for me? I don’t have time for you either.
    Outta sight, outta mind.

    Betsy:             But I had to get my book finished. I had to move on with my life. YOU told me to do that!

    Blogosphere: Well, I didn’t mean you should ignore me. You think I care about your life? If you’re not interacting with me, you do not exist.

    Muse:              Now that’s not fair, Bloggie, honey. She was spending some quality time with me. BFF, you know?

    Blogosphere: *shrug*

    Betsy:             *stares, disillusioned* I get it now. You…you’re all tricks and magic but…but there’s nothing of substance to you. *eyes fill with tears* *lip quivers* I just want to write a good blog. But if I’m not following you around like a sheep you don’t want to have anything to do with me. *sob*

    Muse:              *puts hand on Betsy’s shoulder* Hey, I’m a freaking goddess, I don’t care what Bloggie says, I’m telling you that you have the creativity.

    Coffee:             *dribbles on Betsy’s foot” And I’m a freaking beverage. I’m telling you that you have the caffeine.

    Betsy:              *turns to hug Muse and Coffee* Thanks, guys. I’m just going to go on write the best darn blog I can. And piffle on the Blogosphere anyway!

    Coffee:             Piffle?

    Blogosphere: *heavy sigh* Oh, all right. I’ll come visit you again – I promise. Now get out of here. Put on these ruby slippers and click them together three times while saying “there’s no place like my homepage”.

    Betsy:             The ruby slippers are diabetic sneakers?

    Blogosphere: Go. I have some more smoke and mirrors to take care of before the next celebrity scandal hits.

    Betsy:             *looks at Muse and Coffee* Ready?

    *Muse and Coffee nod*

    Betsy:             *takes deep breath* There’s no place like my homepage. *click* There’s no place like my homepage. *click* There’s no place like my homepage. *click*

    whirl whirl whirl whirl

    Muse:              Hey, I think we’re back.

    Betsy:             We are! But is the Blogosphere here too?

    Blogosphere: Yo.

    Betsy:             Yay! Now I can post with gay abandon!

    Blogosphere: Great. Please put on something about cats.

    Betsy:             Okay!

    Blogosphere: I was being sarcastic.

    Betsy:             Oh.

    Coffee:            I’m outta here. My beans and I need some alone time.

    Muse:             I need a nap.

    Betsy:            I’m so glad things are back to normal!