*silence*
Blogosphere, I know you’re there. *touches door closed in her face*
*crickets chirp*
I had a good excuse for not blogging this time. I did. It was a very rough winter.
*wind whistles through trees*
I honestly didn’t have the time to blog.
(more…)
Blogosphere, I have a bone to pick with you.
Why the heck would you want to pick bones? I don’t have any bones. All of my skeletons are in the closet.
I mean, I’m feeling annoyed with you.
Oh. *shrug* Okay. Why take it out on me? Just go flame someone on Facebook or Twitter.
See? That’s what I mean. Facebook. Twitter. Not blogs. You never told me blogs were obsolete.
Obsolete? What are you talking about?
You’re not hip. You’re not with it.
I am so hip, gosh darn it!
You’re wearing paisley and wide lapels. Admit it!
What’s wrong with wide lapels? And I see you’re still wearing your fuzzy purple go-go boots with the poofy tassels.
I, uh, my feet were cold. ANYWAY, you never told me that you were dead.
What? *pfft* I’m not dead.
You are too. It says so right here in this blog.
Wait – a blog said blogs are dead?
And the notes from the RWA conference say you’re a dinosaur.
Yeah? Well, they might be the voice of romance, but they’re not the voice of me! I’m still mighty! I’m still powerful! *rwaaarrrr* Ow. Where did you put the medicated rub? I think I pulled something.
Everyone’s gone mobile, Blogosphere. Everyone’s doing everything on their phones. They’re talking on their phones. They’re interacting on their phones. They’re playing games on their phones. Hell, they’re making COFFEE on their phones and then drinking it through an app! Then they’re using an app to brush their TEETH! And they have apps to drive them to work and play with their kids! Apps, apps, apps! Whatever the heck apps are, they got them! Blogs are for the dogs! Apps are where it’s at!
Well, why write a blog then, huh? Huh? If blogs are so dead, why are you wasting your time? Come on, answer that, why doncha?
Well, uh–
Yeah, I’ve gone there. Come on. Come on, tell me! TELL ME!
BECAUSE I’VE GOT NOWHERE ELSE TO GO!
Hey, nice “Officer and a Gentleman” reference.
Thanks. But it’s true. I started writing a blog because I couldn’t afford a web designer and WordPress is free.
Free?
Free.
I feel so…used.
You should. I think that’s why most people write blogs.
*sniff*
Blogosphere, are you…crying?
No. *word trembles with wet pain*
You ARE crying.
*silence broken only by Blogosphere’s muffled sobs*
Blogosphere, I had no idea I could hurt you this way. I didn’t know you cared.
I don’t… *sniffle*… care.
I’m sorry. I…I just don’t know what to say.
I’m not dead.
Of course not.
I’m still mighty and *sniff* powerful.
Of course you are.
Do you still love me?
Sure. And I still can’t afford a web designer.
Okay.
Hello, Blogosphere! It’s good to see you!
Why am I here again?
Welllllll, because you love me. *blink, blink*
Right. That must be it.
No, no. *chuckle* I asked you to come here today because I had a thought.
ERMAHGERD!
Erm…Oh. *chuckle chuckle* You’re so darned trendy, Blogosphere.
You betcha. So, what’s up? Time’s a-wastin’. I’ve got places to go, people to see, rantings to rant.
Well, see, here’s the thing. Some of the blog posts I have planned seem like they’re going to be a little, well, dull.
NO!
Yes! And I thought maybe I would, you know, have you come on and we can discuss them instead. Won’t that be fun?
Oh, absolutely. No. Really. I mean it.
I know! They’ll be like Socratic dialogues! With you! Instead of, you know, Socrates.
Socratic…
Remember how Plato wrote dialogues so he could state his opinions without them just being running monologues? And then he made it sound like Socrates was saying stuff that he, Plato, believed?
I’m the Blogosphere, baby, not a philosopher. Formal logic does not compute.
Just work with me here. Please?
Oh, okay. What the hell. Hit me.
Oh! Oh, goody. Okay. *rustle, rustle* Hmmm…shopping list….to do list….plot list….
Can we hurry this up? I’m turning into another version as we speak.
Shut up! Oh! Here we go. *clears throat* Hello, Blogosphere.
We did that part.
For our first dialogue, I wanted to speak with you about digital first publishing.
Uh huh. Why?
Well, because you’re, you know, digital.
Insightful and yet obvious.
So digital first publishing is publishing, but it’s digital, FIRST.
Get out! Really?
Yes! So like there’s this publisher, and they contract a writer, and then they publish them DIGITALLY. FIRST. Then they might publish them other ways too, but not first. Later.
No way! Let me see if I’ve got this straight. Digital first publishing is publishing digitally first.
Yes! *beams*
You’re talking about self-publishing.
No! See that’s where people get confused. If you’re working with a publisher, digital first isn’t self-publishing. It’s kind of in-between self-publishing and the fully monty traditional I’m-going-to-be-in-every-book-store-and-the-WalMart-and-Target-and-the-grocery-store publishing. And because they publish you digitally, there are less up front costs. That means the publishers are more willing to take a chance on a new author like me.
But the publisher still edits and comes up with the cover and markets and does all that other publisher stuff?
Yes! In self-publishing the author has do all of that. Because they’re publishing the book themSELVES.
Gotcha. And they pay you royalties?
Yes they do!
Good.
*silence*
*crickets chirping*
So, that’s it?
Yup.
That’s a Socratic dialogue?
Nope. But it is a blog post.
Yes it is.
When last we left our intrepid band of adventurers, they were getting ready to enter the Emerald City in search of the Great and Powerful Blogosphere…
Betsy: Wow. Everyone in this city is…green.
Coffee: It ain’t easy.
Muse: And they’re all singing. I want to sing too!
Betsy: No. We have to find the Great and Powerful Blogosphere.
Coffee: Maybe we should follow the sign that says “This Way to the Great and Powerful Blogosphere.”
Betsy: Shut up.
*all three creep through city, following signs* *enter a room* *stop short at sight of giant monster*
Monster: What do you waaaaannnnnttttt!!!
Muse: I want to know who does your makeup! You are like totally goth!
Betsy: Muse, please. Monster, we’re looking for the Great and Powerful Blogosphere.
Monster: Blooogggooooosphere? I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Coffee: Hey, there’s something behind this curtain.
Monster: Pay no attention to the machinations behind the curtain.
Betsy: *darts forward* *pulls down curtain* Blogosphere! It IS you.
Blogosphere: *sigh* Yeah.
Betsy: Well why in the hell have you been avoiding me? Why have you turned your back on me?
Blogosphere: You turned your back on me first.
Coffee: Told you.
Betsy: I have not turned my back on you. When did I turn my back on you?
Blogosphere: Hey, you don’t have time for me? I don’t have time for you either.
Outta sight, outta mind.
Betsy: But I had to get my book finished. I had to move on with my life. YOU told me to do that!
Blogosphere: Well, I didn’t mean you should ignore me. You think I care about your life? If you’re not interacting with me, you do not exist.
Muse: Now that’s not fair, Bloggie, honey. She was spending some quality time with me. BFF, you know?
Blogosphere: *shrug*
Betsy: *stares, disillusioned* I get it now. You…you’re all tricks and magic but…but there’s nothing of substance to you. *eyes fill with tears* *lip quivers* I just want to write a good blog. But if I’m not following you around like a sheep you don’t want to have anything to do with me. *sob*
Muse: *puts hand on Betsy’s shoulder* Hey, I’m a freaking goddess, I don’t care what Bloggie says, I’m telling you that you have the creativity.
Coffee: *dribbles on Betsy’s foot” And I’m a freaking beverage. I’m telling you that you have the caffeine.
Betsy: *turns to hug Muse and Coffee* Thanks, guys. I’m just going to go on write the best darn blog I can. And piffle on the Blogosphere anyway!
Coffee: Piffle?
Blogosphere: *heavy sigh* Oh, all right. I’ll come visit you again – I promise. Now get out of here. Put on these ruby slippers and click them together three times while saying “there’s no place like my homepage”.
Betsy: The ruby slippers are diabetic sneakers?
Blogosphere: Go. I have some more smoke and mirrors to take care of before the next celebrity scandal hits.
Betsy: *looks at Muse and Coffee* Ready?
*Muse and Coffee nod*
Betsy: *takes deep breath* There’s no place like my homepage. *click* There’s no place like my homepage. *click* There’s no place like my homepage. *click*
whirl whirl whirl whirl
Betsy: Blogosphere?
I’m so glad you’ve agreed to meet with me today, Blogosphere.
I didn’t have much choice. You kept googling me.
Yes, well, *hum* I wanted to reach out to you and get your thoughts on how I can build my author brand. I envision this as an informal brainstorming session, if you will.
I think you should finish your next book.
You are, after all, the expert on this kind of thing, as well as being a vast repository of knowledge in general.
You could write more books after you finish this one.
So, *flips pages* Let’s begin with Facebook. Should I purchase “likes” for my page? Maybe one of those ads that annoy everyone and therefore gets attention? And how should I increase my “reach” and “talking about” numbers to make sure I’m maximizing my placement and message? I want to find the right synergy between transparency and publicity to facilitate interaction.
You could, you know, write more books.
Uh huh. As far as Twitter goes, do you think I should increase my involvement? I’m not sure what number of tweets per day would be most beneficial to keep my presence at its most lively. Perhaps I should mention my book in each and every tweet, to wit – “HOLD ME! I’ve been HOLD ME invaded by HOLD ME ants.” What do you think? Perhaps I should schedule tweets every half hour to ensure my book is promoted constantly.
Maybe writing more books would be good.
I’m also focused on increasing my number of blog hits. I was considering posting a link for my blog on every page I can find. Maybe I could purchase a banner ad or – OH! – a pop up ad that covers the entire screen when someone tries to open a page. Movement and sound would also be good so others notice and ask about the ad. That would be word of mouth advertising.
There’s always writing more books.
Perhaps my pop up web page ad could include a poll asking people if they think I should expand into other social media properties. If a person can’t click through to the page they want to read until they take my poll, I’m certain I’ll get a response.
Hey! I’ve got an idea! You could write more books!
*frowns* I don’t believe you are taking my issues seriously, Blogosphere. And I will not be ignored.
Yes, Betsy. If you only have one book out, you’re pretty much going to be ignored..
My sense is that you are telling me to follow the “write more books” paradigm to handle this situation.
There you go.
But what about my brand?
How about “content is king”?
I was thinking “If you build it, they will come.” Should I start playing baseball like “Field of Dreams”? Isn’t that the wrong demographic for romantic suspense? Or should I put Kevin Costner up as my banner image to attract the older women?
You know what? I’m out of here.
*Blogosphere leaves the post*
I could sign baseballs and give them away as swag. Blogosphere? Wait! Come back….
*Betsy leaves the post*
Come here, Blogosphere!
*No answer*
Oh, Blogosphere!
*Still no answer*
Ohhh baaabbyyy…my sweet baaabbbbyyy….you’re the one…
What!?! Sweet God, stop singing!
Hello, Blogosphere.
What do you want? And why are you wearing cropped pants that are way too tight?
Well, love is strange. *swishes side to side* Do you like them?
I’m seeing parts of you I never wanted to. You look like you’re trying to reenact a scene from Dirty Dancing.
Maybe more than one. *smiles flirtatiously* *draws square with hands* This is my personal dance space.
O-kay. Sorry babe, but you don’t look anything like Jennifer Grey.
*hands on hips* Well, you don’t look like Patrick Swayze either.
I could look like him if I wanted to. What is all of this anyway? *Blogosphere looks around* There’s so much… satin in here.
This is our anniversary post. *pouts* *sticks out big bottom lip* It’s been exactly one year since the first time we talked. You don’t remember?
Oh hell, of course I don’t. What kind of an attention span do you think I have?
*Betsy slips slowly into a convenient chair* *stares at Blogosphere in shock and pain* But…but… we’ve been in a committed blogging relationship for a year now. Three times a week. Just like clockwork. One hundred…one hundred and forty seven posts. I counted.
So?
It matters!
Sure, babe.
It does! Most blogs die in the first year. We made it! We’ve come this far. Blogosphere, don’t turn away from me now. I’ll dance the cha-cha if you want me to. I don’t know what I’m going to do if I can’t talk to you anymore.
Don’t you get it, Betsy? Don’t you see? I’m balanced on poop and just like that I can slip down there again. I like poop. I need it. You don’t give me enough poop.
I can’t believe this! *stands* *whirls away* *stomps around the post waving arms* I’ve put aside my own writing! I’ve walked away from Google Plus! You don’t pay attention anyway! I did it all for NUTHIN’ (props for keeping the poop reference PG, by the way.)
Thanks. Um, No! It’s not nuthin’, Betsy! Nobody’s ever done anything like that for me before.
Horse hockey!
Horse hockey? Sheesh. Okay, okay. That’s a lie. Several million people do things like this for me every second of the day, but it’s not the same. It’s not like it is between us. *smiles* Trust me.
You’re right, Blogosphere. I give up. I can’t win no matter how hard I try.
No, no, Betsy. *Blogosphere rushes forward* Don’t you say that. *You* can win. I know you can.
I used to think I could. But I see the truth now. I know what you are. You just take us bloggers any way you can find us. Then you don’t pay any attention at all.
Look, you’ve gotta understand what it’s like, Betsy. I come through the cable and satellites and suddenly these women, they’re throwing themselves at me. And for a while I think, hey, they wouldn’t be doing this if they didn’t care about me, right?
That’s alright. I understand. You’re just using us, that’s all.
No, no that’s not it. That’s the thing, Betsy, see it isn’t like that. You all are using me. *leer* And you like it.
*silence*
Well, it is kind of….fun.
There’s the spirit.
And if I want to write a blog for another year, well then who’ll tell me I can’t?
You go, girl!
And if nobody reads it, I’m not going to give a crap! I’m just going to keep writing and writing and writing!
Yes!
Nobody puts Betsy in the corner!
You said it!
*pause*
But Blogosphere, I have to tell you something. *takes deep breath*
What?
You know, I’ve had the time of my life. Yes, I swear. It’s the truth. And I owe it all to you.
No problem, babe.
“Christ-mas is coming! The goose is getting FAAATTTT–“
Blogosphere?
“Please to put a penny in the old man’s HAAAAATTTTTT–“
Blogosphere! (more…)
Hello?
*silence*
Hello, is anybody there?
*crickets chirping*
Blogosphere? Are you there? *clicks tongue* Here Blogosphere! Come here, little Blogosphere! Sweet little Blogosphere… (more…)
Betsy! Psst! Betsy!
*jumps* What? Who’s there?
Betsy! Over here!
*looks around* Blogosphere? Is that you? (more…)
And then I have to…
Betsy!
But first I should retweet…and then I have to comment on…
Yo, Betsy!
Oh! Oh! I can’t forget to post…
BETSY!
What!?! Oh. It’s you. Hello, Blogosphere. (more…)
Private Horvath!
What? Who?…. Blogosphere? Is that you?
I am Sergeant Blogosphere, Private, and the appropriate response to my calling you is “Sir, yes Sir.”
What is this?
I cain’t HEAR you!
Um…Sir. Yes, uh, sir. (more…)
Don we now our gay aparrel….
Blogosphere?
Fa la la la la la la la la…
Blogosphere? What are you doing?
Hey, yo. Bets. Pretty good, eh?
What…what is all of this?
I’m decoratin’ (more…)
*twittering* *chirping* *chatter*
Yo!
…I KNOW! I can’t BELIEVE that Brooke Shields…wait.
*shifts to new browser tab* Oh. It’s you. Hello.
Betsy.
Blogosphere. What are you doing here?
Well, I kinda thought we had a…date. (more…)
Blogosphere!*distant whispering and chatter*
Hey! Blogosphere! I’m here!
*some laughter*
Blogosphere! Get your butt over here! *stomps foot*
Yo! What? (more…)
Hello, Blogosphere!
*silence*
Hello? Hello! *tap tap* Is this thing on?
*crickets chirping*
Blogosphere! I will NOT be ignored!
*snort* *cough* Huh?
Well, it’s about time. Where have you been? (more…)
