As we join Betsy, she is sitting behind her desk in her office in her brain, waiting. She’s known that she needed to have this conversation for weeks, but she kept putting it off, hoping against hope she wouldn’t have to go there. After all, how can she friendzone someone she loves so very much? How can she walk away from him? How can she intentionally distance herself from him? Her heart feels heavy in her chest. (more…)
Betsy …and then do you remember how the Muse got all caffeinated and we laughed and laughed because she was just chattering and jumping around…
Muse I was not!
Betsy You certainly were! After that typing session my arms were so sore I couldn’t even take off my glasses!
Coffee *chuckles* *kisses Muse on cheek* Ah, ma Cherie, you did indeed zip around Betsy’s brain like you were on amphetamines.
Muse When all I was really on was you, pookie *snuggles into her cup*
*general laughter*
Betsy Good times. Good, good times. *sip*
Coffee Here. Let me bring you another mug of myself.
Betsy No, no. I’m good. I have to get up tomorrow and go to *sigh* work.
Muse Um, we didn’t want to say anything, but Coffee and I have noticed you haven’t been spending nearly as much time with us this week as you did last week.
Coffee Yes, ma petite. You’re back to only drinking three or four pots of me a day, and a lot of that is *shudder* decaf.
Betsy I know. How well I remember those full caf days we had last week. I ran and ran and ran….
Muse And now I try to buzz in your mind, but you’re too busy thinking about, like, marketing. And it’s so dark in your brain now. And cold. And vacant.
Betsy O Muse, I know it’s frustrating for you. Just stick with me, honey, okay? Last week I could leave the lights on in my brain all the time. This week we’re back to working with strobe lights.
Muse *pouts* Well I don’t like it. I want you to spend all of your time thinking about me.
Coffee And I want to give you the energy and excitement you had while you were hiding in your house like ze mole.
Betsy I can’t. I just can’t. I have to be grown-up about these things *stomps foot* And that means I have to, you know, work. Make a living. Pay bills.
Muse I thought *I* was your living.
Betsy Sadly, no. In the regular course of life you, my sweet Muse, must share your space with thoughts of *sip* marketing.
Muse Humph.
Betsy And you, my bold friend Coffee, must share my refreshment, not only with decaf, but with *sip* water.
Coffee Merde!
Betsy Tell me about it.
*silence*
Muse But when the strobe lights are on, they’re all on me?
Betsy You’re like a stripper doing a pole dance, baby.
Coffee And you may drink water, but you won’t drink…tea. Will you?
Betsy Never!
*Coffee and Muse exchange a look*
Coffee Okay. I’ll be there when you brew.
Betsy Thank you, Coffee. And Muse? Will you desert me?
Muse Not… yet.
Betsy I love you both so much. And remember – we’ll always have vacation. We didn’t… we’d lost it…we got it back when you came to Casablanca.
Coffee Casablanca?
Betsy I mean, the Palatial Horvath Estate.
Coffee Palatial?
Muse And we’ll only have vacation if you stop spending your precious time off vacuuming and mulching.
Betsy Hmmm. Oh, okay. If you insist.
Hi, Betsy
Oh hey! Hi, Muse! How are you?
Fine. Um. Nice to see you.
You seem a little uncomfortable, Muse. What’s up?
I have to, um, tell you something.
Oh. Well, go ahead.
I’m, well. I’m, um, seeing Coffee.
You’re…what?
I’m seeing Coffee. We’re kind of, you know, dating.
You’re dating Coffee? I thought you were dating the Blogosphere.
Oh, well yeah. I see Blogosphere sometimes too. But he’s so controlling. “Do this. Go here. Look at this.” WhatEVER.
Okay, but–
See Coffee, he’s, well he’s into me. He GETS me. He takes me to a whole new level.
I understand that, but I thought…Well, I kind of thought I was seeing Coffee.
Oh you are. I’m in you. Coffee’s in you. You bring us together.
Are you saying I’m just the middle man?
No! No…you’re…important. Really.
Really?
Really. And because you’re so important, we need your help. Coffee really wants to take me out to the coffee shop today.
Um–
‘Cause, see, it’s Valentine’s day and he wants to do something special.
Well–
He wants me to meet his family.
But–
His mother, Betsy. He wants me to meet his MOTHER. And maybe the grinder too. Maybe even the brewer!
That’s great, but–
We can’t do it without you. We’re both depending on you!
Okay, wait. You’re asking me to facilitate your Valentine’s Day date with Coffee? Even though you’ve stolen him right out from under my nose? Even though you’ve ripped his mug from my lips?
Yeah. I want you to take us to the coffee shop and drink a lot. We need some alone time.
Hmmm. Well, okay. I’m a sucker for young love. Let’s do it!
Just like that?
Just like that!
You do realize the fact that you won’t fight for your man is probably one reason you’re still single, right?
What’s your point?
Just checking. I need to go grab some creamer.
Make it whipped cream. It’s Valentine’s Day.
You’re such a romantic.
Yeah.
When last we left our intrepid band of adventurers, they were getting ready to enter the Emerald City in search of the Great and Powerful Blogosphere…
Betsy: Wow. Everyone in this city is…green.
Coffee: It ain’t easy.
Muse: And they’re all singing. I want to sing too!
Betsy: No. We have to find the Great and Powerful Blogosphere.
Coffee: Maybe we should follow the sign that says “This Way to the Great and Powerful Blogosphere.”
Betsy: Shut up.
*all three creep through city, following signs* *enter a room* *stop short at sight of giant monster*
Monster: What do you waaaaannnnnttttt!!!
Muse: I want to know who does your makeup! You are like totally goth!
Betsy: Muse, please. Monster, we’re looking for the Great and Powerful Blogosphere.
Monster: Blooogggooooosphere? I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Coffee: Hey, there’s something behind this curtain.
Monster: Pay no attention to the machinations behind the curtain.
Betsy: *darts forward* *pulls down curtain* Blogosphere! It IS you.
Blogosphere: *sigh* Yeah.
Betsy: Well why in the hell have you been avoiding me? Why have you turned your back on me?
Blogosphere: You turned your back on me first.
Coffee: Told you.
Betsy: I have not turned my back on you. When did I turn my back on you?
Blogosphere: Hey, you don’t have time for me? I don’t have time for you either.
Outta sight, outta mind.
Betsy: But I had to get my book finished. I had to move on with my life. YOU told me to do that!
Blogosphere: Well, I didn’t mean you should ignore me. You think I care about your life? If you’re not interacting with me, you do not exist.
Muse: Now that’s not fair, Bloggie, honey. She was spending some quality time with me. BFF, you know?
Blogosphere: *shrug*
Betsy: *stares, disillusioned* I get it now. You…you’re all tricks and magic but…but there’s nothing of substance to you. *eyes fill with tears* *lip quivers* I just want to write a good blog. But if I’m not following you around like a sheep you don’t want to have anything to do with me. *sob*
Muse: *puts hand on Betsy’s shoulder* Hey, I’m a freaking goddess, I don’t care what Bloggie says, I’m telling you that you have the creativity.
Coffee: *dribbles on Betsy’s foot” And I’m a freaking beverage. I’m telling you that you have the caffeine.
Betsy: *turns to hug Muse and Coffee* Thanks, guys. I’m just going to go on write the best darn blog I can. And piffle on the Blogosphere anyway!
Coffee: Piffle?
Blogosphere: *heavy sigh* Oh, all right. I’ll come visit you again – I promise. Now get out of here. Put on these ruby slippers and click them together three times while saying “there’s no place like my homepage”.
Betsy: The ruby slippers are diabetic sneakers?
Blogosphere: Go. I have some more smoke and mirrors to take care of before the next celebrity scandal hits.
Betsy: *looks at Muse and Coffee* Ready?
*Muse and Coffee nod*
Betsy: *takes deep breath* There’s no place like my homepage. *click* There’s no place like my homepage. *click* There’s no place like my homepage. *click*
whirl whirl whirl whirl
Betsy: Blogosphere?
*stir, stir, stir* *clink, clink* *sip*
Hello, Coffee.
Hi.
I’ve written another poem about you.
Is it as good as the last one?
Even better.
Yay.
*huh hummm*
O Coffee, O Coffee,
My own turtledove,
I want to express
The depth of my love.
O Coffee, O Coffee,
Caffiene in a cup,
When I’m feeling down
You cheer me up.
When already up,
You make me quite manic,
And just might incite
A bit of a panic.
I’ll try not to dance,
On top of my desk.
Between you and me
It is for the best.
O Coffee, O Coffee,
My stomach’s in shreds,
But I must refuse
To drink tea instead.
O Coffee, O Coffee,
My love it is true,
I know I will never
Be quit of you!
Wow.
I know. It’s pretty good, isn’t it?
I couldn’t feel more special if I was freshly ground.
It was nothing.
It certainly was. Get back to work.
Just one more sip…
You consume me.
Okay.
*stir, stir, stir* *sip*
Hello, coffee.
Hi.
How are you?
I’m feeling a little light.
Hey, you don’t have a French accent today. You sound kind of…midwestern.
No more French Roast. I’m the store brand.
Oh. *sip* Did you know that today is the anniversary of William Shakespeare’s baptism?
No.
Do you care?
No.
I’m surprised we get along so well. *sip* Oh, now I remember why.
silence
I don’t suppose you would consider reading me a Shakespearean sonnet?
silence
Let me get this straight. You want me to read you a Shakespearean sonnet while you drink me?
Please.
What do you think I am?
A consumable.
Consumable? I’m the elixer of life.
True. If coffee be the drink of life, drink on.
Wow. If I read you a sonnet, will you stop mangling other quasi-Shakespearean quotes?
Probably.
Okay. Could you…just keep your hands to yourself for a minute while I do this?
Oh, sorry.
My mistress’ eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips’ red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damask’d, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground:
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.
You’re the one who went generic.
But…did I hear you say that my breath…reeks?
Only of me.
Oh. That’s okay then.
Hi.
Hey.
Mind if I sit here?
Go ahead.
*silence*
So, um, can I ask you what you’re doing in my blog? (more…)
Today I would like to present an Ode to Coffee. This is an expanded version of original works appearing on my Facebook page. Feel free to borrow and/or set to music. (more…)
